How To Stop Feeling Like a Victim

Photo courtesy of Anastasia Gepp from Pixabay

Wouldn’t it be lovely if everyone could be kind? If we didn’t have to endure the worst that mankind is capable of inflicting upon others? I’d love to believe it could happen someday…however, I admit it’s a stretch.

It’s beyond shocking to consider the horrors that can be inflicted by one human being upon another. And I don’t know about you but it bothers me when acts of violence or cruelty are referred to as “people behaving like animals.” It insults creatures that never kill just because they can. Animals do it for survival. They do it if they need food or if their lives or offspring are threatened.

They don’t plot and scheme and conspire and hire others to do their dirty work. And they don’t violate trust for their own selfish pleasures, robbing children of their innocence and making the world a terrifying place of abuse.

Over the years in my work as a counsellor, a homeopath and as a psychic/medium, and in my personal life, too, I’ve been stunned to learn just how many people have been sexually violated as children. What has been more shocking is that in many cases, they don’t even realise it — as in my own case. As children, we think our environments are “normal.” We think whatever is happening to us must be happening to others.

We’re hard-wired to trust our parents; it is our survival instinct at its strongest. If they are abusive, we can’t see it.

I’ll never forget the day the “A” word was dropped right smack in the center of my life. The day a psychologist listened to the reasons for my ending a marriage, then listened to some details about my childhood, my upbringing, my life to that point. It was more than the physical and emotional assaults; it was being violated in the most personal ways by various family members, including my mother.

It was in being raped several times as an adult and having no idea that’s what it was because I’d been taught that my body was for others to do with as they pleased.

I’ll never forget the way the psychologist asked — ever so gently — if I knew I had been abused throughout all the years I’d been on the planet.

In that instant, my world blew to smithereens. My life, everything I’d known, everything I’d believed, everything I’d trusted had been blown apart and was lying in a million little puzzle pieces on the floor.

There I stood, staring at them with no clue how to begin to put them back together. I didn’t have the cover for the box; I had no idea what the picture was supposed to look like.

And to add to the challenge, I was going to have to create an entirely new picture with different pieces. I felt like the word “victim” was tattooed on my forehead — on my soul. I wanted to disappear through the floor, so immersed in shame, embarrassment and humiliation I didn’t feel like I deserved to live.

But I had children to raise. And I was a single parent. Again.

And while the pain and awareness were fresh and raw, I believed that with so much damage to my soul, many of those pieces must be missing anyway, leaving me with gaping holes that would never heal.

But I was wrong. Thank heaven I was wrong.

As far as I was concerned, I was permanently damaged. Broken. I couldn’t stand to have anyone look me in the eye.

I thought I would feel like a victim forever. But that was before I learned why I felt that way in the first place.

Abuse, whether physical, emotional, and/or sexual, makes children feel worthless. They feel dirty, disgusting, inherently flawed and “bad.” In their egocentricity, they believe they deserve every rotten thing that happens to them.

In their trusting little hearts, they cannot differentiate between the abhorrent behaviour of an adult and their own value and perfection as spiritual beings.

Chances are that they will carry these beliefs into adulthood and will continue to find relationships that are unhealthy. They’ll find partners who treat them in a way that validates what they believe about themselves. They’ll hook up with partners who demean them, are controlling, abusive or toxic in some way because in the deepest parts of their souls, they believe this is all they deserve.

This is exactly why I ended up having six marriages — only one of which I actually wanted when it came time for the wedding. Sadly, it was the one that ended in the worst kinds of betrayal and cost me everything I’d ever worked for.

For those who have been abused as children, it is only when they understand — and believe — that they did not deserve it and that it was not their fault that they can begin to take back their power. When they take first steps toward healing the damage to their self-esteem, self-image, and self-worth and understand that the perpetrators of the abuse were at fault, they feel an emerging sense of strength and value.

Imagine you’re wearing some beautiful new clothes that you love. You think you look great. You feel fab in your new threads, confident and seriously hot.

You see a complete stranger who says, “I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that! It doesn’t look good on you at all.”

These words might slam you right in the center of your self-doubt and insecurity and make you question your choice. However, as this opinion came from a complete stranger, you might be more inclined to become angry and indignant. Who the heck is this moron? Who asked for his opinion? And who gives a rat’s @$$ what he thinks anyway?

But then your partner sees you and says, “Oh, I don’t like that at all.” You’re crushed. You wanted him to think you look splendiferous. Your best friend says, “Hm, I guess it’s okay for you but it’s nothing I would ever wear.” Or “Oh, wow, your bum really does look big in that!”

Your confidence is completely shattered. You might consider taking your new clothes back to the shop. You think you look like an idiot and don’t want anyone else to see you like this. You throw your new clothes in a bag or kick the damn things under the bed, deciding you’ll never shop again. I mean, clearly, you haven’t got a clue what looks good on you.

Why Do We Do This?

It is human nature to want to please the people we love. And this is why we take their actions and opinions to heart. And if you’ve been abused or belittled enough in the past, this is why you feel like you deserve it as an adult, too. It’s why you believe you’ve done something to make people treat you that way.

“There’s something wrong with me. If only I hadn’t done this or that. If they did this disgusting thing to me, that must mean I am a disgusting person.” Or “I deserved it; I should have known better.”

This is the kind of thinking that leads to feeling like a victim. “Come on, do it to me again, I deserve it.” And this is how that person keeps finding people who will validate the belief, “I’m a victim. I am trapped, helpless, and powerless.”

It is only when we understand that what other people do to us is not about us. Their choices are their own. And if they’ve chosen to be abusive, they are the only ones responsible for that decision. Even when a partner has had enough and leaves, the abuser will go on to abuse others.
And without proper treatment, the “victim” will go on to find more partners who will perpetuate the cycle.
We enter this world as pure and perfect spirits in little human bodies. We do not deserve abuse of any kind by anyone at any time. And therefore, we are not “victims” unless we choose to think of ourselves that way.

There are some people who prefer to live like that. Even though they were finally told the abuse was not their fault. Even though they have heard that there is hope and help and that they don’t have to feel like that anymore.

But they prefer their “victimhood.” It allows them to stay stuck, to get attention, to get sympathy, or to be dependent. It allows them to wait to be rescued and not take responsibility for their own lives, their own healing, or their own happiness.

For those of us who want to be happy, to move forward in life and to find peace and healing, we reject holding onto the sins that have been committed against our perfect souls, because to do anything else is to perpetuate them ourselves.

We seek wellness. We find our strength. We stand up for ourselves and refuse to allow any further attacks on our vulnerability, which is so precious, so beautiful and so perfect.

There is hope. And I can promise you, there is healing. But first, you have to want it.

Spiritual Arts Mentor and Master Teacher, Liberty Forrest, guides you in discovering who you are, why you’re here, and how to follow that path.