“Problems arise in that one has to find a balance between what people need from you and what you need for yourself. “— Jessye Norman

Recently, I’ve shared about my decision — my need — to make self-care a priority this year. Well, not just for this year, but for the rest of my life. However, with a brand new year staring me in the face when I hadn’t been feeling well for a while, it was the perfect time to renew my commitment to taking care of myself.

You see, the wheels had come off for a while there. I’m now in my 15th month of healing from a significant injury to my leg and although I’ve made considerable progress from the horror show in the early months, I’m still not fully able to use the leg or walk without assistance.

The injury also caused a rare and painful condition (CRPS, Type 2) that can affect all the internal organs, the nervous system, all limbs — the entire body. It can fool you into thinking you’re getting better and then wham, you’re slammed with a painful and debilitating relapse.

So when I hit a point in my healing where I was actually beginning to reach some physical milestones (like finally getting to have a bath after 6 months, and a shower at 14 months, or use the stairs by myself — with crutches), I was over the moon. I felt like I was finally getting my life back a little bit at a time. I was regaining my independence, something that has allowed me to survive so much throughout my, uh, colourful decades on this planet. 😵‍💫

I was so excited after many months of not being able to do much of anything at all, I dove back into making lists and plans for all the fun and creative goodies I wanted to do. And I started to work on them.

But then I’d get whacked with one misery or another, thanks to CRPS, and be thrown backward once again.

This is not cool for an “all or nothing” kinda girl, like I am. It’s rather fitting, though, I suppose. I tried to do “all” way too soon (understated) and ended up only managing “nothing.” 🤦🏻‍♀️

And it’s not like I didn’t already learn this lesson. A time or two. Or, um, well, a lot. 🙄 (Hmm. Can you still call it “learning” when you forget you learned it? And then you re-learn and re-forget? And re-re-learn and re-re-forget? Again? And again? And again, ad nauseum?)

Maybe it’s the playful, childlike, “see the world through a magical lens” Pisces in me. Or perhaps the fact that in numerology, my full name works out to the playful, fun, creative, “joy of living” number 3. Or my Life Path / Destiny 22, the Master Teacher, the number that is incredibly strong and can take on the world.

Or some combination thereof.

But whatever it is, I do tend to to throw myself in at the deep end of the pool before I check to see if there’s water in it. Oops.

Next to love, balance is the most important thing.
- John Wooden

Anyway — one of the many lessons I’ve kept getting during this long and ongoing healing journey is about balance. And about accepting my limitations. Oh, dear LORD, this one is so so so so hard for me!! I usually eat my limitations for breakfast! I show those suckers who’s boss! I tell ’em to take a long walk off a short pier!

But my body has had other ideas. I swear the Universe set me up with this injury and its repercussions to teach me once and for all that I am not actually infallible. I can bend and yes, guess what? I can actually break, not only literally as in this injury but also metaphorically — not like I didn’t know that lesson, too (“Remember those suicidal periods, Liberty??” the Universe cackles in the back of my brain) but dang, my memory seems to ignore that lesson in favour of letting me do whatever the hell I think I should be able to do.

Or rather, letting me “attempt to do” whatever the hell I want.

The result? Lately, every time I find myself making too many plans and getting too caught up in the long list of things I’d love to be doing, I get a much quicker slam upside the head than ever before. Even though I’ve been shortening that list to a ridiculous place of “few.” I do not like living in “few.” I do not like having little to do. I do not like it in a box. I do not like it with a fox. I do not like it here or there. I do not like it anywhere! (Gotta love the amazing Dr. Seuss!)

In my defence, I figured that if it was all fun stuff that I love, like writing, art, playing with “Witchy” drawings and stories, writing music, studying Italian, or playing the piano, the Universe would reward me with a big pat on the head and tell me what a good kid I’m being, following my spirit and letting it run free.

But, um … nope.

I forgot about rest. I forgot about quiet. About the stillness of just being. Meditating. Sitting on the floor in front of my altar in candlelight, enjoying Divine connection and inner reflection.

And as I head into my Personal Year 7 with the approach of my birthday in late February, that energy is already creeping in and replacing the themes of my Year 6 as they make way for a shift from my outer world to my inner world. This means it’ll be even more important for me to go inward as the theme for the coming year.

A Disconcerting Turn of Events

In recent months, “the bag of initials” (as I’ve come to call CRPS, now fed up with hearing that particular arrangement of letters) has been creating some disturbing (and potentially life-threatening) symptoms, and in particular, in the last week or two.

They were so bad last night, I was awake for hours and to be perfectly honest, I had begun to wonder if I’d see the morning.

As a homeopath, I have many remedies at my disposal so I worked with them until I found something that finally helped.

And what did I do this morning, after finally catching a few miserable hours of sleep? I woke up, feeling positively wretched. It was hours later than I’d normally be up. I was tempted to skip my recently reinstated early morning meditation and Tai Chi routine (see, Universe? I’ve been making an effort!!) and dive straight into my newsletterish. It’s Tuesday after all, and I don’t want it to be late! Perish the thought!

I did battle with the “I shoulds” and the silly, self-imposed expectation (dare I say, demand?) that I must get this newsletterish out today, even if it meant skipping meditation and Tai chi “just this once.”

Hahahaha!!! That’s hilarious! I know myself well enough to understand that “just this once” is code for “that’ll open the door to a whole lot more ‘just this onces’ and then you’ll be back to square one!” (At least I bit back a self-deprecating comment at the end of that sentence, so yay, that’s progress!)

I made the better choice. I headed straight for a shower to clear the cobwebs a little. I meditated and did Tai Chi — not a lot but better than a kick in the @$$ with a cement boot — and after a healthful breakfast and two giant vats of tea, here I am.

But I can feel still feel those symptoms taunting me quietly again as I write. Reminding me. “We’re he-e-e-e-ere! We’re your nasty little nudge from the Univer-r-r-r-r-rse! Just to be sure you don’t forget…again…”

I tell ya, folks, if life-threatening symptoms ain’t a great reminder for self-care, there just ain’t no hope fer me.

Self-care is not a “one and done”. I mean, it’s like how you can’t just have one shower and be done forever! It’s not even a “few weeks and done.” Like, hey, I did more of that for a few weeks, am feeling better now, so yay, let’s dive back in and go full tilt again!

Yeah, I know that one. But this is not helpful (um…DUH!).

And apparently, it’s not just about making more time for doing the things that are your favourite kinds of soul food.

I can just hear a re-do of a famous song with Aretha Franklin singin’ “B-A-L-A-N-C-E” rather loudly and directly into my ear.

The key to keeping your balance is knowing when you’ve lost it.
- Anonymous

Apparently, I’d lost mine even more than I realised. This wake-up call was more than a little smack upside the head.

I’ve been down this road before. Many years ago, I experienced these symptoms and the health problem they’re announcing (rather rudely, if you ask me). After a long battle, I kicked its @$$ to the curb. Haven’t heard a peep from it since 2012. I guess CRPS decided to poke a susceptible part of my body and wreak a little havoc, just ’cause it can.

I’d like to think my number isn’t gonna be up anytime soon. I’ll guess we’ll see what the Universe has in store.

In the meantime, I’m going to do all I can to address these symptoms as they’re no joke. And it starts with “B-A-L-A-N-C-E”. It’s not enough to just balance your outer world with work, play, sleep etc. It is also essential to include your inner world.

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