“Maybe that’s why life is so precious. No rewind or fast forward… just patience and faith.” — Cristina Marrero

How I would love a rewind. How I desperately, achingly, wish I could have a rewind.

But of course, I can’t. I can never go back to that moment just before I was fooled by a damp sidewalk, seemingly safe from the hard-packed snow on the street but hiding sinister black ice within a thin layer of water. I can never go back to Before. Before I twisted my knee with such force, I tore the quadriceps right off the bone. Before my kneecap was in pieces that were massively displaced. Before I saw the stomach-turning deformity through my yoga pants while lying on that cold, wet sidewalk.

And I could never have imagined in that moment what would lie ahead.

When it became clear that surgery would be required —before I’d seen the X rays and before I knew about the muscle being ripped off the bone — I figured, well, they’ll fix the kneecap and heck, don’t broken bones heal in about 6–8 weeks? It’ll suck but that’ll be that.

It’s probably a good thing I didn’t know what was waiting for me at that point. Honestly, I don’t know how I’d have begun to cope, knowing that six months later, I’d still be a lo-o-o-o-o-ong way from “recovered.” And I don’t know how I’d have coped with knowing how much pain there would be. The first few months were particularly horrific with agonising pain, worse at night (apparently, there are physiological reasons for this) and allowing me about 2–3 hours of frequently interrupted, light sleep each night. Twenty minutes here, forty minutes there…

With so little sleep, the days were mighty long and unpleasant. Not usually prone to crying, I was reduced to tears of frustration and exhaustion more times than in the last 40 years combined.

And aside from the usual several months required to fully heal a reattached quadriceps and a massively displaced patella fracture, a couple of other conditions have arisen, just to keep things extra interesting. Lucky me! More adventures!

One is called “disuse osteopenia,” which developed fairly quickly in my ankle from not bearing much weight on it during the first several weeks after surgery. X-rays show bone loss in the ankle and they say it’s not reversible (but I’m armed with alternative treatments that allow me to believe it is).

Another is that my foot and ankle became extremely painful about four weeks into this journey (and they still are). This is because of not being able to walk properly for three and a half months while wearing a full leg brace. The muscles, ligaments etc. are all out of whack, being strained from overuse in a wrong way, or irritated from not being used enough. The surgeon said this would take months to heal. I was sure I’d prove him wrong. Hah! So far, not happenin’.

Annnnd…the biggy. I’d never heard of it before and wish I hadn’t had to hear about it at all. I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) , which is — as its name suggests — a complex condition that can take months or even years to heal. And sometimes, it can become permanent. I have Type 2 (of two), which involves nerve damage and is the more serious of the two.

It’s quite a rare condition, occurring in fewer than one in 100,000 people. According to the Mayo Clinic online:

Complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS) is a form of chronic pain that usually affects an arm or a leg. CRPS typically develops after an injury, a surgery, a stroke or a heart attack…(It) is uncommon, and its cause isn’t clearly understood. Treatment is most effective when started early. In such cases, improvement and even remission are possible.

It can also be caused by a fracture — and in some cases, there is no known cause.

I’d been experiencing a collection of odd symptoms since my surgery, some of which seemed completely unrelated to it but as it turns out, you can get all kinds of weirdness with CRPS.

Medical News Today says this:

It usually affects one of the arms, legs, hands, or feet after an injury, but complications can impact the whole body, including the internal organs.

It appears to be an autoimmune condition, in which the body responds in an unusual way to a perceived threat. As the immune system fights to defend the body, inflammation occurs.

It can produce such symptoms as:

• changes in skin temperature

• fluid retention (edema) and sweating

• changes in skin color, causing blotches or streaks, ranging from very pale to pink, and perhaps with a blue tinge

• changes to finger and toenails

• thin and shiny skin texture

• unusually fast or slow nail and hair growth

• painful, stiff, and inflamed joints

• difficulty co-ordinating muscle movement

• unusual movement in the limb

The limb may be fixed in an abnormal position or may experience movements such as jerking or tremors.

And the exciting news continues…PainScale explains some of the possible systemic issues that can occur with CRPS, such as fatigue, cognitive changes, as well as cardiac, respiratory, urological and gastrointestinal complications. Oy vey.

The good news is that I have been holing up and healing. Frankly, I’ve had no choice. My body has been quite clear about making sure I get what I need — a lot of rest and doing only that which has been necessary to my survival and healing.

I’m now in my eighth month of this journey. I still require a walker or crutches but can say that I’m finally noticing improvement in pain and mobility. I trust that before long, there will come a day when I can graduate to just using a cane. And then the next step will be my ultimate freedom — walking completely on my own.

At least I’ve been able to bathe again for the past 6 weeks or so— even though it’s still something of an ordeal to get in and out (especially out!). But at least I can do it and I cannot even begin to tell you what an absolutely joy it is. A bit of soap and hot water. Such a simple pleasure. But so deeply healing for my soul.

*Update Dec. 23, 2023 - Nearly 14 months post-injury - today I was finally steady enough on my feet to have a shower!! It was an ordeal to get in and out of the tub safely, but I took my time, was extra careful, and yay! An actual shower!

Feeling stuck? Need guidance or a numerology reading to help you with clarity? Visit my shop for self-help tools to improve your life

As a Spiritual Arts Mentor and Master Teacher, I will guide you in discovering who you are, why you’re here, and how to follow that path.