Is Satan just a terribly misunderstood rapscallion?

Warning: My intention in this piece is to play with the theme of contradiction that runs through the Bible, and also to discuss common misconceptions about Satanism* — which is a philosophy, not a religion, and has nothing to do with “the Devil” or “Devil-worshippers.”

It is meant to provide food for thought, to inspire tolerance for the beliefs of others, and to consider that sometimes, things are not as they seem.

If you cannot read it with a sense of humour and an open mind, please do not proceed.

*In this piece, “Satanism” refers to the beliefs and practices of the modern-day Church of Satan founded in 1966 by Anton S. LaVey (author of the Satanic Bible).

So … Satan. Got a pretty bad rap, am I right? I mean, what with enticing Eve to eat that apple. Heck, it was The Forbidden Fruit. Oh, dear.

The punishment? When God caught wind of this apple-eating malarky, immediately he turfed Eve and the hubby out of the lovely Garden of Eden. And of course, there was also the ultimate consequence — death somewhere down the road. So they’d get to wait … and wonder … and wait .. and wonder … when’s it gonna happen? And how’s it gonna happen? The supreme version of “Wait till your father gets home!”

For eating an apple.

For breaking a rule.

Hang on a minute. I’m a bit confused. Let’s say bratty Little Johnny makes his baby sister, Suzie, steal cookies from the cookie jar. A common scenario, methinks.

Now of course, in this little hypothetical hijinks, they get caught and their parents kick them out of the house. For good. Oh, and they also pass a death sentence (to be carried out at some future date, just to scare the pants off ’em for years to come).

Call me paranoid, but I have a sneaking suspicion Social Services might have somethin’ to say about that whole thing.

Yikes. When you look at it from that perspective, God was a bit of a hardass, don’tcha think?

But Satan, he doesn’t do stuff like that. Well, okay, according to the Bible, he had a hand in the deaths of Job and his family — estimated at 10 people. However, it was God who made a bet with him that set that whole thing into motion, making him at least partly responsible.

So at worst, Satan offed 10 people. Not cool. Not at all.

And then, of course, there was the apparently unforgivable apple incident. Thou shalt not sneak apples. Or cookies.

Admittedly, Satan was a bit of a rebel with a cause — which was to do whatever the hell he pleased. Wreak a little havoc, magic up some mayhem … He was the naughty kid who didn’t like rules, the one who would have constantly been sent to the corner or the principal’s office. The James Dean of heaven — until God banished him. Chucked him out. Drop-kicked him to the curb without so much as a packed lunch. Hasta la vista, baby. Sayonara. Adios, amigo. Mm-buh-BYE!

Hm. I sense a theme here. I’m guessing God’s filing cabinet was jam-packed with eviction notices just waiting to be filled in and delivered. Apparently, being a nice landlord was not his forte.

Meanwhile, Satan got on with doing what he loved best — having fun.

Heck, nothin’ wrong with having fun. Just ask Cyndi Lauper. She had a smash hit in the mid-’80s about just how much fun girls wanna have (and what a FUN video this is!).

Video courtesy of Cyndi Lauper’s YouTube channel

And like everyone on the planet, Satan would have found like-minded kids to hang out with. I mean, don’t we all do that? Thugs hang out with thugs, Church-going knitting grannies hang out with church-going knitting grannies. I suspect that thugs don’t usually hang out with church-going knitting grannies.

Although according to the book of Matthew (19:26), “…with God, all things are possible.” Do you suppose God hooks up thugs with church-going knitting grannies as besties? Perhaps they share tea and hash brownies while Thug learns how to knit and Granny becomes a tattoo artist.

Anyway … after all the drop-kicking to Heaven’s curb, Satan and his crowd got on with enjoying life and doing what made them happy. They embraced the attitude that “If it feels good, do it,” just like the hippies and other “cool cats” from the ’60s and ’70s.

Sounds kinda good to me. I mean, I did a lot of time in church … um, ahem. I mean, I spent a lot of time in church. Freudian slip? Methinks not. To be fair, Sunday School as a little kid was fun. All I remember is colouring and being told stories. I love colouring. I love stories.

But when I was a grown-up (chronologically — heaven forbid I should ever actually have to go there for real), I was the church organist and choir director. The questions were bigger. I listened to Bible verses and sermons, a cacophony of contradictions. Confusion reigned supreme.

And fear. Oh, yes. Fear. Thou shalt or shalt not till the dang cows come home! And if thou dost disobeyeth, thou shalt perish perish perish! Or thou shalt burn forever in a fiery pit.

Uh…so which was it? Perished and dead, gone, kaput? Or burning forever?

I wonder if I could choose. I’d pick perish every time. Especially now. The hot flushes of menopause are bad enough, thanks. I ain’t up for no burnin’ pits.

Maybe there’s an option to be banished somewhere forever. I’d love it if I could be banished to Walmart. I love Walmart.

Anyway, church wasn’t much fun. All I heard was what I couldn’t do or shouldn’t do or mustn’t do. I was supposed to smile and nod and be nice and not get mad and if anyone slapped me in the face, I was supposed to turn the other cheek and let ’em do it again on the other side.

Nope. Church was no fun. And I like fun. But see? I’m a girl. And you know what Cyndi Lauper said.

And Satan, too. He likes having at least as much fun as girls. Maybe they’re onto something. I wonder if Cyndi Lauper has a Church of Fun. I would go. Would you?

She might not have her own church for having fun, but apparently, Satan does. Founded by Anton Szandor LaVey on April 30, 1966 the Church of Satan was:

“…the first above-ground organization in history openly dedicated to the acceptance of Man’s true nature — that of a carnal beast, living in a cosmos that is indifferent to our existence.” (churchofsatan.com)

Somewhere along the “fun-having” way, Satan got a bad rap. He gets blamed for all the choices people make that get them in trouble. That seems a little unfair. I mean, I had strawberry and rhubarb pie with ice cream for breakfast today. I suppose I could blame him for “tempting me” but I’m a big girl. I’ll take responsibility for having made that choice.

Although to be fair, strawberry, rhubarb and ice cream are in the same food groups as berries and yogurt. Right?

I’m the one who has to live with the consequences of my choices. Satan isn’t the one who’s going to find that pie and ice cream applied to his hips. I am.

God doesn’t get to take credit when I do a good thing and Satan’s not responsible if I do a not-so-good thing. (And I ain’t sayin’ what kinds of not-so-good things those might be. A girl’s gotta have some secrets!)

So here’s where I start getting confused. God punishes people for breaking rules. But then he breaks his own. What about this “Thou shalt not kill” business? This is apparently at the top of the list of bad ideas because you can’t bring a dead person back to life. Which kinda blows that whole Lazarus story to hell. Oops. Perhaps not the best phrase for this story.

So Satan’s got — at most — 10 deaths on his head — with God having a hand in that whole “offing Job’s family” thing.

But check this out. God is responsible for an awful lot of slaying and smiting in the Bible. In fact, guess who is 100% responsible for 160 killing sprees within its pages? Yep! The supposedly loving and all-forgiving “father”, God.

(Side note: Hm. Why is the theme from The Godfather suddenly rolling through my head?)

Anyway, the Bible doesn’t always mention numbers of lives lost with these murderous rampages but, when it does tell us exactly how many murders were committed by God or at his command, the number is 2,821,364.

When you throw in fairly well-accepted (and possibly conservative) speculations about the number of people wiped out by the flood, Sodom and Gomorroah, a 7-year world-wide famine, the first and seventh plagues, and Abraham’s war to rescue Lot, we tack on another 20,383,000.

And that doesn’t even include wiping out the estimated 500,000 firstborn Egyptian children in Ex 12:29–30, plus another half a million when he slowly killed the Israelite Army in Dt. 2:14–16, or the estimated 20,000 killed in Jos. 11:8–12, when twenty cities were wiped out.

Plus God “smote” 1,000,000 Ethiopians in 2 Chronicles 14:12–13.

God orders human helpers to kill:

Then I heard the LORD say to the other men, ‘Follow him through the city and kill everyone whose forehead is not marked. Show no mercy; have no pity! Kill them all — old and young, girls and women and little children…’” Ezekiel 9:5–7

But this one really takes the cake!

In Num. 16:49, God kills 14,700 people. Why? Because they complained about God killing people.

(*insert seriously confused expression here*)

Uh … maybe it’s just me, but crikey. I’m thinkin’ God’s got a bit of a temper.

Hang on, what was that commandment about not committing murder? Oh, wait. There’s a loophole. A sort of a get-out-of-jail-free card in case of an attack of said temper.

The seven deadly sins are greed, pride, gluttony, wrath, lust, sloth, envy. Hm. Murder isn’t on the list. Oh. Whew! Lucky for God. It’s not a sin to kill someone. He didn’t even create that list. Pope Gregory I came up with it in 600 A.D. Perhaps to get on God’s good side by letting him off the hook for all that killing? I mean … with that temper and all … who wouldn’t want to be on his good side?

Anyhoo, looking at that list, I’d better not enjoy a lovely feast or feel good about my accomplishments or get angry at some pinhead for slapping me across the face. I mustn’t have a lazy day and do nothing, and I shouldn’t wish I had some lovely, exciting ‘something’ my neighbour has, and for Pete’s sake, I must never have sex!

Avoiding all of those “sins” means sucking the joy out of life. Call me a rebel with a cause then, just like Satan — rebelling in the name of having fun!

Oh, and you thought there were only the Ten Commandments, right? You thought wrong.

There are 613 commandments in the Bible, 365 negative commandments (“Thou shalt NOT”) and 248 positive ones (“Thou must — or else!”).

Jeez, Louise, 613 commandments? There can’t possibly be any fun after all of that!

With Satan being the King of Fun, there’s gotta be a whole lot more of it at his church, don’tcha think?

Let’s take a peek at LaVey’s Satanic Bible. Compared with all the confusion and contradiction in the regular Bible, I’ve gotta say LaVey’s Satanic Bible makes a whole lot more sense to me.

Check out its Nine Satanic Sins (also listed on the Church of Satan website):

1. Stupidity
   Personally, I think this is brilliant as the Number One Sin! Apparently, it’s the Cardinal Sin of Satanism. As LaVey writes, “It’s too bad that stupidity isn’t painful. Ignorance is one thing, but our society thrives increasingly on stupidity. It depends on people going along with whatever they are told.” Think Charles Manson — or Jim Jones’ cult and the 909 deaths in his suicidal/murderous Jonestown massacre.

2. Pretentiousness
   LaVey considers this to be on par with stupidity in terms of what keeps money in circulation. LaVey says “Everyone’s made to feel like a big shot, whether they can come up with the goods or not.” Think social media and how many people are faking their happiness and success. And trying to sell it to you, too.

3. Solipsism
   LaVey says it’s dangerous to project our reactions, responses and sensibilities onto others. He adds, “It is the mistake of expecting people to give you the same consideration, courtesy and respect that you naturally give them. They won’t.” He says we must strive to “Do unto others as they do unto you” to avoid slipping into the comfortable illusion that everyone is like you are.

4. Self-deceit
   This is another Cardinal Sin of Satanism and seems fairly self-explanatory. Lying to others is bad enough. But lying to yourself? Stupid. Oh, look! There we are, back to the Number One Satanic Sin.

5. Herd Conformity
   If you choose to conform to the wishes of another because it benefits you, that’s fine. But as LaVey says, “…only fools follow along with the herd, letting an impersonal entity dictate to you. The key is to choose a master wisely instead of being enslaved by the whims of the many.”

6. Lack of Perspective
   LaVey says, “You must never lose sight of who and what you are, and what a threat you can be, by your very existence.” He adds that “We are making history right now, every day” and that we must “Always keep the wider historical and social picture in mind.” In other words, we’re more powerful than we might realise and we ought to be careful with it. Sensible. Right?

7. Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies
   This is a way to brainwash people into thinking something previously widely accepted is something new and fabulous. LaVey says, “We are expected to rave about the genius of the creator and forget the original. This makes for a disposable society.” Yep. This is such a shame in so many ways. Not the life I want. How about you?

8. Counterproductive Pride
   I love this one. To quote LaVey: “That first word is important. Pride is great up to the point you begin to throw out the baby with the bathwater. The rule of Satanism is: if it works for you, great. When it stops working for you, when you’ve painted yourself into a corner and the only way out is to say, I’m sorry, I made a mistake, I wish we could compromise somehow, then do it.” Isn’t that how we should all be living?

9. Lack of Aesthetics
   Now this is an excellent sin! According to LaVey, “…an eye for beauty, for balance, is an essential Satanic tool...Aesthetics is a personal thing, reflective of one’s own nature, but there are universally pleasing and harmonious configurations that should not be denied.”

A few final notes about Satanism:

Satanists believe in keeping the peace and minding their own business. “Live and let live” is at the center of their beliefs. But there have been plenty of wars fought and innocent people killed in the name of God or Allah — “religious wars.” Dumbest oxymoron ever.

People who worship the devil are not Satanists; they are devil-worshippers. Satanists are atheists and do not believe in deities or supernatural beings such as the devil. The Church of Satan website says, “We see the universe as being indifferent to us, and so all morals and values are subjective human constructions…Satan to us is a symbol of pride, liberty and individualism, and it serves as an external metaphorical projection of our highest personal potential. We do not believe in Satan as a being or person.”

Nowhere in the Satanic Bible does it encourage sacrificing babies. Nor does it endorse otherwise causing harm — unless someone hurts you first. Then you are entitled — and, in fact, encouraged to do the same thing right back to them. Uh, I guess that would be tough if they killed you, but you get the point.

In fact, “Under NO circumstance would a Satanist sacrifice any animal or baby!…[A Satanist]…holds these beings in sacred regard, knowing he can learn much from these natural magicians of the world.” (Satanic Bible, A.S. LaVey, p. 89)

Yet there are countless people in positions of authority who abuse that privilege by doing terrible things to children. Doctors, coaches, parents …

Satanists don’t believe in showing your enemy your weakness, which makes complete sense to me. If someone smacks you across the face, are you gonna stand there and “turn the other cheek” to let them do it again? Let them drive right over you when they see what a pushover you are? No, no, no. I endured abusive relationships and this kind of attitude was at the heart of them. It’s what prevents people of any age, race or gender from standing up to their abusers and keeps them in a position of powerlessness. If you don’t stand up to the bullies, they will continue to beat you down.

Hm. Satanism is looking pretty good to me. Sensible, even. A heck of a lot more sensible than having massive temper tantrums and killing millions of people. Or throwing your kids out of the house forever for stealing cookies.

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