“When something isn’t right for you, your soul rejects it and tries to warn you in many different ways. Always pay attention to how things make you feel and what emotions they bring up in you. These are all messages. If something is not right for you, let it go.” — Unknown author

I’m not actually sure what I’m about to write. More accurately, I have no idea what I’m about to write. I’ve been puzzling for a couple of days about the topic for this week’s newsletterish and now here it is, time to write it, and I haven’t a clue what the topic should be. I’m a mess of emotions, but clear thoughts and words? An idea for you that’s got nothing to do with what’s going on for me? Not so much. This week, I can’t leave myself out of it.

So please bear with me. I’m not sure what’s about to follow but it’ll be straight from my heart.

You see, I’ve been travelling on a particular road for a while, a road for which I’d waited to be on for an awfully long time. A road I never thought I’d even see, much less be invited to enjoy.

And enjoy it, I did.

Way down the road was Somewhere Wonderful and I couldn’t wait to get there. As with all roads, it had its share of bumps, a few potholes, a couple of unexpected hairpin curves. Those are so scary. But we learn how to navigate them, same as anything else. It was also dotted with colourful flowers and the sweetest birdsong filled the air. Thick, lush trees and shrubs lined the path as far as I could see.

A few questions arose, a little one here, a bigger one over there. But ever the exceptional whack-a-mole player, my heart smashed each one and continued to insist, “This is the road for us!” Jumping up and down like an eager little kid, it pointed straight ahead of us and squealed, “You wait and see! Somewhere Wonderful is down there!”

I couldn’t help but agree. I mean, my heart was just so happy, and that happiness was positively infectious. Certain that Somewhere Wonderful was, indeed, waiting for us down that road, the two of us took one step after another, moving ever closer to that beautiful place we’d seen in our dreams.

But we’d barely got going when beside me to the west, I was puzzled by the setting sun. Without my notice, dusk had crept in, smothering the light, the vibrant colour, and painting everything an ever-darkening shade of discomfort. And an even darker shade of familiarity.

I hesitated. My feet wanted to stop. My heart said, “Let’s go! Let’s go! Don’t you wanna go to Somewhere Wonderful?”

Oh, yes. I did. I really, really did.

My hesitant feet chose to trust my heart, one foot following the other as we made our way down the path while the sun sank quickly behind the horizon.

Staring down at my feet in the rapidly dimming light, I slowed my pace. The discomfort grew. Closing in on me, it filled my lungs. Cautiously, I moved forward, doing my best to watch where I placed each foot.

Suddenly, I recognised a worn path, a deep, familiar rut. Confusion set it.

“No. No!” I whispered to myself. Shaking my head and blinking, I looked again. “How could this be?”

“Oh, never mind that!” pooh-poohed my heart. “It’s not what you think! Come on, Somewhere Wonderful’s up ahead!” And away my heart skipped ahead of me.

I looked up from the road, from that all-too-familiar rut. An icy blast rushed through my body, making me shiver.

A haunting heaviness hung in the air. I’d been here before. The path ahead was no longer the one I’d been travelling just moments before; it was one I’d travelled long ago. One I’d travelled so often, in fact, it was I who had created the very rut that carved its way through the path in front of me.

“Come on! Come on!” urged my heart. “Hurry up! Let’s keep going!” Its joy and excitement grew by the second. “Somewhere Wonderful is just ahead!”

Oh, how I wanted to believe it. I wanted it more than anything I’d ever wanted in my life. I spent a few moments convincing myself, “Maybe this time…” But with every word, with every syllable, I knew the painful truth.

“I can’t,” I declared, sadness slamming into me like a great flood and nearly knocking me flat. “We’ve been here before.”

“Oh, you big silly!” giggled my heart, a tad nervously. “No, we haven’t!”

“Yes. Yes, we have. And you know we can’t be here again.” I was silent for a moment. I gazed at my sweet little heart, so full of hope, so eager and happy. I scooped it up, held it close and said ever so gently, “And I know you know it, too.”

Moments later, my heart shattered. And I wept. I wept for our dream, a dream that was as broken and impossible as my heart’s desire.

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