As the current year draws to a close, many of us will be contemplating what it meant to us, how it changed us, and what might be waiting for us in the coming 12 months. The end of a year is often a time of deep reflection and redefining goals, dreams, our deepest hopes and wishes.

I’ve been thinking about how far I’ve come on my 14-month (so far) healing journey from the awful day last year when I sustained a significant injury. I do my best not to contemplate how far I still have to go before I can walk properly and unassisted again, have the full use of my leg, and have my life back.

As someone who has always been quite driven and loves to be busy, I’ve been known to have a terrible time slowing down and allowing myself the rest and relaxation I need. But I’ve been forced to do it because this injury caused a rare condition known as CRPS. Not only does it mean slower healing of the injury, it has added all sorts of weird and seemingly unrelated symptoms and pain, making every day something of an adventure.

For the first several months, I had an awful lot of pain and very little sleep. I was unbearably exhausted and had no interest in doing anything. I had zero energy. Zero desire to write or draw or do anything beyond nap or watch Netflix. It was easy to rest, rest, rest, rest, and … yep, you guessed it … rest.

However, in the last 3 to 4 months, I’ve been feeling a bit more like my old self. Note, “a bit.” I’m a long way from being on creative overdrive as my natural state but I took that “bit” and ran with it, pushing myself as I began having (uh-oh!) IDEAS. I was so excited! It had been such a long time since I’d experienced even a hint of creativity. The ideas were such fun and I couldn’t wait to dive in and start “doing stuff!”

Away I went, planning and creating and planning some more! Yippee!!

And then oops. A major relapse of CRPS symptoms. More pain. More “stuck and unable to walk.” It’s happened several times. As soon as I do a wee bit more than I probably should, given that my knee is still massively swollen and discoloured and after 14 months is still obviously not fully healed, the Universe reminds me that I. Am. Supposed. To. Be. RESTING.

“You aren’t doing ‘nothing’ when you choose to put your well-being first. In fact, this is the key to having everything.”― Brittany Burgunder

It’s frustrating that I tire so easily. It’s frustrating that the “inner me” is beginning to come to life again with more of a desire to be creative and playful and get back to building fun things like Witchy’s podcast (yes, really! Yay!) and making her videos and telling her stories and finishing the over 300 drafts I have sitting here on Medium (yes, really to that, too!). 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s frustrating that I’m not feeling well this week and I’d already had a couple of naps before noon today. Oy vey.

I know that if I don’t look after myself, I’m no good to anyone. In order to maximise all aspects of my life and to be fully well and happy, to be productive, creative, give my best to my work, and be my best for all my relationships, I have to look after myself.

Historically, if I’m feeling okay, I keep going. Just like that little Energizer Bunny. I keep going and going and going and … until I can’t.

Not. Good.

“Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the judgment we pass on ourselves.” — Nathaniel Branden

This injury has been forcing me to learn that lesson. Not like I hadn’t learned it before but for some reason, it’s a slippery devil and keeps disappearing on me. What the heck is up with that?? Seems I need to keep re-learning it because I can still push myself more days than I don’t. I still allow myself to say “yes” when I should say “no” to doing things that require energy I ought to be using for rest and healing or activities that will nourish my mind, body and/or spirit.

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”– Steve Maraboli

Yep. I know that. That hasn’t stopped “my Self” and I having something of a head-butting relationship for too many decades. Sometimes, I’m too damned stubborn for my own good. My Self really does know what’s best for me. It knows I’m not Wonder Woman but I’ve had a little trouble believing that — until now.

So as I stare down the barrel of another bright, shiny new year, I’m kissing the current one goodbye. Normally, I’d be thinking about everything I’d like to accomplish in the next 12 months, but not this year. I’m thinkin’ it’s time I made “self care” my priority for the coming year. Hm. Just remembered that with my birthday in February, I’ll begin a Personal Year 7 (in numerology). A time of retreat, introspection, withdrawing, going inward.

It’s a bit like letting a field lie fallow so it can restore, return to a place of balance. Be rejuvenated.

So as I reach the end of this year that has been largely focused on trying to get back to a normal life, I’m committing to accepting that I’m not there yet. I need to accept that the best way back is to stop focusing on the milestones I’ve reached and am still striving to achieve in my recovery, and instead focus on what I can do in each moment to take care of myself.

I can feel a little rebellion stirring inside me already at the mention of not focusing on milestones. What?? Whaddya mean? That’s what’s kept me going! No milestones?? Are you nuts? Aw, c’mon! What else am I supposed to reach for?

Feeling good in each moment. What do I need most right now? With this breath? And this one? And this one? What will make me truly happy right now?

Yeah. That stuff. Hm. It might be easier to subdue that rebellion than I thought. 🧘

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