Why We Repeat Difficult Lessons. Again. And Again. And Again.
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I’m pretty sure I’m not alone …
“Some people are so busy learning the tricks of the trade that they never learn the trade.” — Vernon Law
In last week’s “newsletterish,” I divulged that I’d had to make a painful decision. I had a few bumpy days afterward, but with a lot of meditation and spiritual connection time at my altar, I was soon back on an even keel emotionally.
And on that note …
Tough decisions suck. They can hurt like hell, and this one has certainly been painful. But ultimately, when you know it’s the right thing to do, and that it’s going to help you continue to move forward on your path instead of knocking you off course, a tough decision is worth whatever pain it might cause in the meantime.
Besides, if you stay on a path that isn’t right for you, it’ll eventually cause you way more pain than if you’d got off it when you first realised it wasn’t a good idea to go there.
After all, the whole point of being here is to keep growing and learning, to keep working toward being who we’re meant to be. At least, that’s what I believe.
Whether or not that’s the truth, I do know one thing for sure: Having overcome so much in my life, having worked so hard to get away from toxicity, “drama,” unhealthy relationships and the damaging beliefs from my childhood that contributed to them, I have no desire to go backward. Life is for going forward, or as my spiritual mentor used to tell me, “Life is for learning.”
There is no learning in going backward. Over the course of a few decades, I found that out the hard way by repeatedly thinking I’d learned certain lessons and then oops, nope, I was right back in the soup, repeating the same lessons, only they hurt more each time.
As just one example of my refusal / inability / unwillingness to really “get” the lessons (it’s not about my memory; it’s better than most), it’s the reason I ended up having six, count ’em, six marriages.
There are other ways in which I’ve conveniently (or actually, terribly inconveniently, in terms of the fallout) forgotten lessons I thought I’d learned.
My goodness. I am not a stupid woman. In fact, I’m quite intelligent. And in most areas, I learn ridiculously quickly. For example, I did the final one-third of a top-notch, world-renowned, 4-year homeopathy program in 31 days and got straight “A” grades. Blew the instructors’ doors off, which was kinda funny. I went on to have a thriving homeopathy practice with incredible success and had 800 happy patients in less than 2 years. So yep, I really did learn stuff. 😬
So what the hell is up with this other “thing” where at times I’ve forgotten some of the most painful lessons I’d ever learned? Or thought I’d learned?!
Turns out that there’s a difference between learning in your head and healing in your soul.
And although my head was full of knowledge and self-awareness and other goodies I’d learned, and despite having come a long way in the healing process, I still had more work to do. There were layers I hadn’t reached and it took those situations to show me where I still had work to do.
I’ve spent a lot of years continuing to work on those deeper layers. Just one of the many benefits of living alone for a long time and chipping away at healing in ways I’d never done before.
Does that mean I’m 100% healed? Absolutely not. I don’t know if we can ever truly get there but I’m all for doing the best I can toward that effort in the time I’ve got left on this planet.
I do know that I’ve made considerable progress in healing throughout my life, and a whole lot more during these inward-focused years by myself.
I’ve been enjoying the results of that healing in many ways. And I know this ongoing situation since my leg injury 16 months ago has contributed to that inner journey in ways I’d never have experienced otherwise. I’m still healing and I’m still learning. I’m loving seeing the progress I’m making in my inner world even more than the ridiculously slow progress on a physical level.
Immediately after writing my last post, “What Do You Do When the Road You’re On Isn’t the Right One?” I had something of an epiphany. Instead of beating myself up for having started down a path that wasn’t right for me, I should have been commending myself for having recognised and acted on it.
And to be fair, sometimes a situation simply looks or feels completely unlike any that you’ve experienced before. So you’re actually not aware that oops, you’re back on that road. Until you are. That’s what happened to me recently.
And there was a mini-epiphany in the bigger one. I know better than to “beat myself up.” Well, to be honest, I didn’t go quite that far. But I did take myself down the road of berating myself to some extent. And that felt terrible. There is nothing to be gained from negative thinking, or for berating myself for where I ended up. That’s all terribly destructive and not where I choose to live.
I used to live there, but self-deprecation hasn’t been a part of my world for a long time. So I was surprised to have even taken a peek down that road. Confirmation that I was seriously in need of getting back to where I’d been.
“Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward. “— Vernon Law
So is there any part of me that wants to go backward? Not on your life. And not in my life. Forward Movement Only. Are you with me?
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