Asking This Common Question Could Do a Lot of Damage
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“I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.” — Larry King
I’ve been thinking about that one little question we hear and say so easily: “How are you?” I remember when I was studying social work, there was one instructor in particular who offered an unforgettable message about that huge little question. “Huge little” question? Yep. I don’t know what else to call it.
Anyway — yes, it was unforgettable, at least for me, 35 years later, I still remember and think about it frequently.
You know how easily we drop that question, right? You’re at the supermarket checkout and the cashier asks, “How are you today?” Or you might ask it of her/him.
Or you ring the phone company or the bank or some other business and the Suzie in customer service says, “Hello, how are you today?”
Perhaps you pass a co-worker in the hallway and you’re rushing off to a meeting. As you pass, you both call out, “Hey, how are you?” to each other — barely offering a glance as the habit falls out of your mouth.
Wherever you live, I’m sure there’s a version of this question being asked in the same contexts. For example, in the UK, you wouldn’t say, “How are you?” You’d say, “Are you all right?” — although it usually comes out more like one word — “Y’alright?” whereas in North America, if you asked “Are you all right?” people would be likely to reply, “Why do you ask? Do I look unwell?”
Anyway, the point is — in many countries, there is some version of this supposedly polite enquiry, and we’re taught that it is good manners to ask on meeting someone.
But is it?
What if you ask, “How are you?” when the person on the receiving end has just been given terrible news? A frightening diagnosis? What if they answer, “My wife just left me” or “I just lost my job” or “My whole world just blew up”?
Sometimes, when we’re in the midst of those kinds of painful situations, we might be aching to talk to someone about it but there’s no one close to us that we feel able to tell yet. So we spill to the first person who says, “How are you?” and we might not have even had any intention to do so.
What if the person you’re asking “How are you?” is in that situation?
What if, as you whiz past Martha while rushing to your meeting, you offer the obligatory, “How are you?” without thinking and she bursts into tears?
😳
When you put together those three little words, they ask a gigantic question. They have the potential to open an enormous can of worms.
“Once you start asking questions, innocence is gone.” — Mary Astor
Sometimes, it’s difficult for us to confide in the people closest to us. Sometimes, it’s easier to talk to a stranger or someone we don’t know well — that cashier at the supermarket, “Bob in accounting,” or Suzie in customer service.
And sometimes, even if we’re telling our loved ones about what’s on our minds, we might still feel a need to spill when that virtual stranger asks, “How are you?”
It might even be good news. You might be excited and over the moon because you just got that great promotion or you got engaged or you just became a grandfather for the first time.
And even if you are not inclined to divulge your personal life to cashiers or Bob in accounting or Suzie in customer service, maybe they are. Or maybe it’s just circumstance, and they wouldn’t normally do that but you just happened to catch them in a weak moment and ask, “How are you?” and oops, their miseries or happies fall out.
Are you going to be willing to drop what you’re doing, stand there and listen?
Imagine you’re on the receiving end of your question. Imagine you’re the person who is overflowing with emotion and the weight of some distressing news or a painful situation, and you find yourself spilling an honest response to that question.
And the person who asked stops in his/her tracks and stares. Looks uncomfortable. Awkward, even. Checks a watch or phone for the time. Needs to be somewhere.
Or just plain doesn’t give a rat’s ass, or at least not in this moment, and doesn’t care to listen or doesn’t want to listen or doesn’t have time to listen.
And there you are, you’ve just spilled something painful and personal and this person’s response leaves you feeling like there’s something wrong with you for having answered the question, or for feeling upset about whatever is happening in your life.
You stand there, ripped open and bleeding pain all over the floor, while Bob in accounting is desperate to get back to his number-crunching.
It adds insult to injury. And no one needs that.
Even if Bob in accounting wouldn’t mind hearing it after work over a drink or a cuppa something, if you’ve caught him off guard and he responds like this, it hurts.
Even if you’d be happy to have Martha over for dinner to talk about what’s wrong but she’s caught you off guard and you can’t hear it while whizzing off to your meeting, it feels like a slap in her face. Poor Martha might already be feeling like she’s been beaten up by life. Don’t add to it by asking how she is and not being available in that moment in case she needs to cry all over your shoulder.
On the flip side, think about how it feels when someone genuinely wants to know how you are and what’s happening in your world. Think about how it feels to when someone asks with intention and a deep desire to connect with you. Think about how it feels to have that person listen fully and be completely present while you share all that’s going on.
Isn’t it simply the most wonderful experience? Offering your time and willingness to listen is an incredibly powerful gift. It says, “You matter to me.” It says, “Your feelings are valid and important.” It says, “I care and you’re not alone.”
I would gently suggest that you make it a habit not to ask “How are you?” unless you want to hear the answer. Do not open that can of worms unless you’re willing to empty it and thoroughly examine its contents.
Those three little words add up to one enormous question.
A simple, “Hello” will suffice quite nicely when seeing someone. There is no need to ask, “How are you?” or “Y’alright?” or whatever is said in your country that is enquiring about a person’s life, health or happiness, unless you are ready, willing, and able to hear the full answer.
So when I ask every week in my newsletterish, “How are you?” or if I say it to you in a text or an email or a phone call or in any other capacity, it is because I care and I genuinely want to know how you’re doing.
“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.” — Bryant H. McGill
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