Meet “Witchy”

An Interview With Neurotic, Free Spirit “Witchy”
(above, with her cauldron, Enchantra)

Age: A lady never tells her centuries!
Hobbies: Bowling. Zip Lining. Stamp collecting.
Favourite TV: Partridge Family reruns, the Smurfs, and Wheel of Fortune (Pat Sajak is hot.)
Likes: Tequila. Home-brew. Noodles. Tequila.
Dislikes: Boys. Well, one in particular.
Allergies: Cats (especially black ones). Boys. Well, one in particular.
Phobias: Spiders. Spiders. And spiders. Ew. Also the dark (Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone!). Creepy-looking trees. Paper clips.
Not-So-Secret Crush: Simon Cowell
Secret Weapon: Um…it’s a secret.

ONCE UPON A TIME…

Witchy lived in the quiet but spooky Transylvania Forest, where she had been casting spells to her heart's content for centuries. She and her cauldron, Enchantra, kept themselves busy in her cottage deep in the woods, where she conjured up all sorts of fascinating magic. And a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches.

For a century or two, she had been dating the handsome 712-year-old Vladimir the Vampire, doing her best to ignore his obvious flirtations with the other witches. The fact that he was much younger than Witchy was something that always poked at her insecurities (not that she’d ever admit to having any).

SECRET TRAUMA

One night, a terrifying "something" happened to Witchy that she refuses to discuss. All she says is that a “secret trauma” forced her to become vegan.

So far, it’s not going very well. She even wrote a song about how much she really hates tofu.

After refusing to kill anything anymore, she could no longer eat or use eye of newt, bat wings, dragon toes or other essential spell-casting goodies. As she puts it, all her spells “went wonky." With one hilarious — uh, I mean, upsetting — failure after another, she became the laughing stock of the forest and all the other witches shunned her. 

BROKEN HEART

Adding insult to injury, Vladimir dumped poor Witchy, making a polite excuse about them suddenly being incompatible. Because his survival depended on his craving for blood, he claimed that he had developed an allergy to her “vegan breath” that was bordering on anaphylaxis.

But Witchy knew that wasn’t the truth. He had always been far too concerned with what others thought of him, which was reflected in his obsessive grooming habits. He would never leave the coffin with even one hair out of place or a fang left unpolished. 

So when she and her disastrous spells became the talk of the forest, she was painfully aware that he was thoroughly embarrassed by the snickering and pointing. Everywhere they went, there was whispering and giggling, and Witchy could feel him wanting to disappear into the forest floor. 

“That was the last straw,” she says. “After all I’d done for him for a couple hundred years, and all the sacrifices I’d made — including giving up garlic in all my favourite foods like rat brain stew, or sweet and sour lizard hearts — I had to face the truth about him. He was a pinhead.”

He really was. She even wrote ‘The Pinhead Song’ about him!

FRESH START

So she packed up her cauldron, her toothbrush, and her stamp collection and headed west. She now lives in England, having found a tiny cottage in the woods near a quiet village, where she’s doing her best to adapt to a completely different culture. And she puts garlic in everything, even in her ice cream, just because she can.

She is happy to have discovered a few things that are helping with her adjustment to a new life. The first was a very big deal. “Noodles!” she squealed, her cupboard overflowing with her favourite dried delight. “These are so good! I’d never heard of them till I came here. I guess there are no noodle trees in the Transylvania Forest.”

She liked them even more once she found out you’re supposed to cook them.

She’s also become a fan of home-brew beer. Apparently, a cauldron can be used for more than just casting spells and cooking food.

Another favourite discovery: "Tequila!" she says with a broad grin. Although there was no alcohol in the Transylvania Forest, so she doesn’t understand why she never remembers the things people say that she did after drinking it. “I think they’re making it up,” she says, shaking her head in disbelief. 

(*Note: She believes this photographic “evidence” was Photoshopped)

NEW LOVE

Still nursing her broken heart upon her arrival in England, the last thing Witchy wanted to do was fall in love again. They say it happens when you’re least expecting it and that’s just how it unfolded for Witchy.

There she was, minding her own business when Cupid’s arrow pierced her heart once again. The new love of her life is Simon Cowell (although he has yet to be informed of their relationship). The very thought of him makes Witchy swoon. She kisses a photo of him "goodnight" as the sun is coming up before catching a few hours' sleep. 

HEALING JOURNEY

Witchy’s story is one of great healing and transformation, and she’s excited to share all she’s learned and done to find her way back to happiness. Visit Witchy’s website, where you can read stories of her journey!