How To Fight a Bully – And Win Every Time

I suppose there are a few people on the planet who enjoy a good battle, or at least a bit of confrontation. Or perhaps it's just that they enjoy a little bullying when they can create a reason for it or when they think they're superior and entitled to push the rest of us around, trample our needs and our feelings, or be disrespectful of us.

I am not one of those people.

I spent too much of my life being on the receiving end of treatment like that, not having a clue that I had a right to stand up for myself, to stand my ground and demand to be treated with respect. That was because throughout my childhood, I learned that nothing about me mattered. I learned that I was not important but that everyone else was.

I learned that I was responsible for everyone else's feelings and happiness, but that mine were not up for discussion.

I learned to keep my mouth shut or risk the consequences. And they were consequences I knew I wouldn't like.

So I swallowed my feelings. I choked on my needs. I jammed an overwhelming amount of injustice down my own throat because if I didn't do it, someone else would.

This became an overriding theme in my life for decades. And it did a good deal of damage to me and to my children.

After a particularly nasty "rock bottom" phase in my life (and there have been several), someone planted a ton of dynamite right in the middle of it and blew apart everything I'd come to believe up to that point. I will be eternally grateful to him for that because it needed to happen and it changed my life completely.

Or rather, I changed my life completely because this man showed me what needed changing, thereby inadvertently helping me do it.

Because of him, I learned that I did matter, even if he didn’t think so. I learned that my needs and feelings were just as important as those of everyone else.

I learned that I deserved to be treated with respect and that I did not - and in fact should not - have to tolerate injustice or bullying.

I learned that I had a right to speak up, to say what I think, to call others on their unfair treatment of me, whether they liked it or not.

I learned that bullies don't like it when you point out that their behaviour is out of line, no matter how appropriately you say it. They'll turn it around on you, tell you that you're just trying to pick a fight and try to make it look like you're the one who's being unreasonable.

This is because they think they're the only ones who have a right to their feelings and who should get to say how they feel. The big difference is that they're being disrespectful of you, while you are only being assertive in appropriately and respectfully speaking your truth.

I learned to fight for what I believe is right, to fight for my principles, no matter what anyone else thinks. And I learned that sometimes, I would have to pay a high price in order to do it.

But it's always been worth the cost.

I learned to choose my battles. This was one of my more difficult lessons. I expect that it will be ongoing as I continue to be presented with challenges and obstacles that are placed in front of me by people who throw their weight around, people whose insecurities manifest as arrogance, people who try to shut me up, and who are completely dismissive of my rights or my feelings.

I'm not suggesting that learning any of these lessons - and acting on them - has been easy for me. In fact, it has been extremely difficult. To become assertive has meant healing many long-standing wounds - a process which at times was at least as painful as the initial wounding.

It has meant learning to value myself, to understand that I am just as important as everyone else and that I must treat myself accordingly.

It has meant learning to not keep my mouth shut, to risk the consequences, knowing that whatever they might be, they will be worth having stood up for myself.

I will fight the battles that need to be fought. I will fight for my principles and for what I believe.

Because in doing so, I respect myself. I honour myself. And if I don't do that, I'll be on the receiving end of bullying for the rest of my life. 

This is, quite simply, not an option.

Spiritual Arts Mentor and Master Teacher, Liberty Forrest, guides you in discovering who you are, why you’re here, and how to follow that path.