Ignore Email and Texts and Regain Control of Your Life—Now!

Photo courtesy of ROMAN ODINTSOV from Pexels

The outrageous dependence on devices in our culture is nothing short of deeply disturbing.

What’s worse is that I’ve seen parents teaching this nonsense to their babies who are barely old enough to pick up bits of food and feed themselves. Yet they’re stuck in highchairs watching children’s shows on an iPad on the kitchen table.

Parents can dash around the house doing other things while the kid is kept busy.

But they’re missing one of the best parts of having a family: mealtime. They’re training their children to be distant and disconnected. They’re training them not to talk to each other.

When I was raising my children, mealtime was sacred. Back in the days of landlines, no one used the phone during the period of time when we were preparing, eating, and cleaning up after meals.

It was a time for conversation, to spend at least 20 minutes together and find out what was happening in everyone’s world. It was an opportunity to connect.

Now, I see little children watching phones and tablets in cars. In medical waiting rooms. In restaurants. iPads/tablets have become nannies. They have replaced the need for parents to spend time with children or to teach them good manners for being in public, or how to behave appropriately in a waiting room.

And heaven forbid you should take away the iPad upon which they have come to rely heavily. They scream bloody murder.

This overuse — or entirely inappropriate use — of these devices creates a ridiculous dependency on babies and young children to have their little minds stimulated. They have no idea how to do it for themselves or how to use their imaginations.

What kind of hope have we got as a society when we’re training children from infancy that a screen is the source of all light, joy, and entertainment?

We Accept Rudeness As Normal

It gets worse still because now it is the norm to rudely interrupt a conversation to check a message or answer a call. And people don’t bat an eye when they’re on the receiving end of this appalling behavior!

Sometimes there isn’t even an “Excuse me”; a phone rings and it’s as if everyone else present has disappeared. Phone Almighty must be answered or you risk being sacrificed and pitched into a volcano.

It is deeply disturbing that this has become socially acceptable behavior.

It’s Just an Invitation

A ringing phone or the “ping” of an email or other message is not a command to answer or give it your attention NOW! Nor are you breaking the law by ignoring it.

It’s merely an invitation to answer. And the sooner you learn to add “…when it’s convenient,” the happier and healthier you will be.

With instant communication being so available now, in general people don’t seem able to wait for replies anymore.

We can see that people have read our texts or seen our messages and we freak out if they don’t answer immediately. “Oh, no! Are they mad at me? Did I offend them? Why aren’t they answering? I can see they’re online! Why didn’t they reply yet?”

Jeez, Louise. Ummm…could it be that perhaps those people have lives outside of a conversation with you?

Romantic Tension

This issue of urgency needing and expecting replies creates all kinds of problems between people and especially in romantic relationships, where emotions are often running high and insecurities are oozing out of every pore (despite all attempts to hide them).

Relationships are created and destroyed over texts. It’s well beyond shocking. Especially when trouble is brewing and an issue is raised. Rather than have it escalate due to the numerous problems with simply conversing/arguing using only the written word, why not pick up the phone and call?

Or heck, how about actually agreeing to meet so you can discuss it in person (or on a Zoom call if there’s a distance between you) before things get out of hand and you’re immersed in a sea of accusations, suspicions, and complete misunderstandings?

This One Takes the Cake

There are no words for this one. People who leave their phones on all night and then complain that you sent them emails or messages when they were trying to sleep and the notification sounds woke them up.

Especially these days when we’re communicating with people all over the world and who knows what time zone it is in which place. Do I now have to start scheduling my emails and messages according to when it’s convenient for others to receive them when they’re perfectly capable of hitting the “do not disturb” option, or better yet, turning off the damned phone?

Answer: No, I bloody don’t.

I get that sometimes, people have reasons to keep their phones on — sick family members, waiting for urgent calls, etc. But in that case, you’re going to have to expect that you’ll get notifications of various kinds unless you turn all of them off (Is that even a thing? I’m not great at this phone thing so I’m not sure).

If you want to get a decent sleep, turn off your damned phone. If you need it for an alarm, turn on “do not disturb.” Or buy an alarm clock.

Just don’t get irritated with me for not planning my email time or Facebook time around your sleep schedule if you’re not going to turn off your phone.

The Addiction

Yup. For a large portion of the population — even those tiny tots in highchairs, the overwhelming need to be checking for, and responding to messages has become an addiction.

If you don’t think it’s an addiction, try this: Ask your whole family to turn off their phones and put them in a basket when everyone gets home from work, school, etc. Tell them “No phones till 15 minutes before bedtime when you can have a quick check!”

Then duck in case of low-flying heavy objects.

For a large part of the population (I’d guess the majority), if you actually did this everyone would be awfully twitchy in a fairly short period of time.

We have become a society of people with increased levels of stress, depression, and anxiety purely because of the outrageous belief that we must always be available. We don’t know how to say “No.” We don’t know how to say, “I don’t care if they want a response right now. I’m busy.”

And if you’re worried about the people who are offended by your choice, it might mean you need to rethink whether or not they truly care about you and are deserving of your time at all.

So How Do You Stop the Madness?

Set firm boundaries for yourself. It doesn’t matter what other people’s needs, demands, or expectations are. Self-care comes first. You do not have to be available every single minute of the day and night, just because others demand it. They. Can. Wait.
You might want to inform close friends that this is your new approach. Tell them that you’re aware of the stress and anxiety that this is producing and that your life has to come first and the phone will come somewhere down the line after that. If they truly care about you, they’ll understand. They might even be relieved and consider doing the same.
Accept that the earth will not stop spinning and nothing terrible will happen if you choose to answer when it’s convenient for you. This is no reflection on how important you are in the world or to your boss or your family. It’s simply a little perspective.
Be a role model for a better way to manage your digital life. Turn off your phone or put it on silent and in another room where you can’t sneak a peek when you’re with your family. Ask them to do the same, for example at mealtimes or while watching a film together or going out for a walk.
If you work from home and receiving after-hours emails makes you feel like you have to reply, set an auto-responder at the end of the day. Have it say the day and time you’ll be back at your desk. Then do not look at your email!
If colleagues or your boss spot you on social media out of office hours and try to talk about work things, be polite but firm in your response and just say, “I’m enjoying family time right now and I’ll be happy to talk to you about that when I’m back at my desk on Monday.”
Remember that you teach people how to treat you. If you’re always quick to respond to messages and emails and if you always pick up the phone, you’ve taught others that that’s what they can expect from you. You’ve set yourself up to be chained to your phone. The only one who can break those chains is you.

The Takeaway

There are many reasons why people have become too attached to their phones, far too many for the scope of a short article such as this.

If it’s a problem for you, some self-reflection time, such as through meditation or journalling, could help you discover what might be wrong or missing, or what might need healing.

It might even be a good idea to talk with a counselor, especially if others think your phone attachment is unhealthy. You wouldn’t be the first and you won’t be the last. Phones are the new “shopping fix,” or gambling or whatever other “hobbies” people use to escape or avoid issues in their lives (and of course, you can shop and gamble on your phone so…double whammy).

Maybe it’s just become a bad habit but if there’s something more, this is a great opportunity to take a look at it and do something about it.

Any effort you make toward being less reactive to every ring or ping of your phone will be a step closer to you being happier and living a better life.

Remember: It’s only an invitation to answer. What other people need, want, expect or demand of you is their problem.

You owe it to yourself, your life, and happiness to answer or reply to those calls and messages when it suits you.

Spiritual Arts Mentor and Master Teacher, Liberty Forrest, guides you in discovering who you are, why you’re here, and how to follow that path.