Unconditional Love and Forgiveness Are Not Reasons To Tolerate Abuse
Photo courtesy of Jose Antonio Alba from Pixabay
“People who love themselves don’t hurt other people. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer.” — Dan Pearce
When it comes to offering help, there are three kinds of people in the world. There are those who can help themselves, but who sometimes need a little boost along the way. There are those who cannot help themselves, so you help wherever possible.
And then there are those who will not help themselves and they want you to do it for them.
The challenge lies in trying to figure out who’s who. And in not wasting your time and energy on that third group.
Several years ago, through the course of my frequent BBC guest appearances as a psychic and medium, I made an online “friend” who always tuned in. A rather difficult and lonely man, he relied on me quite heavily for support and encouragement, which I’ve always been happy to give to anyone who is struggling.
This man required a lot of patience on my part at times but I did my best to lift his spirits and to be friendly with him.
He was hard work, to say the least. No matter what I said, over the few years I communicated with him on Facebook or the occasional email, he continued to be as negative and stuck as ever. That was certainly his choice, and as long as it wasn’t hurting me to carry on trying to cheer him up and help him find his way to a happier life, I was willing to continue. Especially as I saw the odd shift and thought perhaps I was actually getting through to him.
So throughout those years, I was able to look past his self-pitying misery, and I kept hoping that someday, something I would say might make a difference. I wanted him to see that he could be happier if he just bothered to try.
I had a daily inspirational blog back then, and I shared the posts on Facebook every morning. In hopes that he might find a more positive view of his situation, those posts were sometimes aimed at him (anonymously). Sadly (for him), I don’t think he ever saw it, even though he read my blog every day and left comments on the posts.
Then there came a day when he ordered me to do something. I don’t remember what it was; nothing “untoward,” but he had crossed a line in some way.
I ignored his demand but he wouldn’t leave it alone. He came back to me with it a few times, becoming more insistent each time and even writing “Grrrr — or else!” the last time.
I was more than a little annoyed.
This was not the first time I’d heard this kind of thing from him, although his “Grrr — or else!” was certainly the most aggressive comment I’d received to that point.
I repeated what I’d said on similar occasions in the past. I said that sort of comment was the quickest way to get me to do the opposite of what he wanted.
I added that nobody tells me what to do. I tried to keep it light and even stuck a little smiley face on that message before chatting about the rest of my day in an effort to make my point without appearing to be angry.
Then he fired back a terrible insult, telling me to stay single because no man could put up with my selfishness.
And there were other comments after that, which were so unbearably cruel, I simply could not believe my eyes. He tore at an extremely painful wound in my life, ripped it wide open.
Worse, he had no idea about the circumstances or anything at all to do with the situation that he was using to hurt me and/or to get me to do what he wanted.
Yet he saw fit to insult me and to make horrible and untrue assumptions that were just downright nasty. His sole purpose with every single word was to hurt me as deeply as possible.
And all because I stood up for myself and refused to be told what to do.
A bit of back story: Somewhere along the way, I had mentioned my multiple marriages. I don’t think I told him how many there had been; that was a shameful, awful secret I kept to myself at that time.
But he did know the generalities of how much this aspect of my life hurt me; he knew it was the source of my greatest pain. I had explained briefly that my multiple marriages had been the result of an abusive upbringing and the toxic beliefs that had been instilled in me.
There was only one reason I had confided any of that. I would have been drawing on some sort of relevant lived experience in an effort to help him. I remember he was so kind about it when I told him that bit of my story.
I had also told him that I’d been the one to leave all of my marriages because they ranged from “unhealthy” to “abusive.” I added that I’d left them especially because I wanted to get my children away from those situations.
Fast forward to my refusing to do as he demanded…
He said something about it being no wonder that I couldn’t keep a man, that I’d deserved being dumped, that they were well rid of me, I was a complete loser…a barrage of insults along these lines, some of which were not repeatable so I’ll stop there.
I was shocked. Deeply hurt. My greatest shame had been amplified a thousand times.
That little voice inside me said it was time to walk away. But I was faced with a dilemma. What about loving people unconditionally? What about forgiveness?
The Turning Point
Well, it didn’t take long for me to remember a previous Life Lesson. I realised that those questions were not a problem. I still believed that there was a perfect divine spirit behind the hurtful words of the man. I could love the spirit, and forgive the man.
But forgiveness doesn’t mean his behaviour was okay. It only meant I had no interest in dragging around the pain of that incident. I chose to let it go.
“Never hold onto a hurt, because resentment tears you up. Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it’s going to kill someone else. It doesn’t work. You have to decide that, before anything else happens, you are going to forgive that person.” — Rick Warren
I could still love the spirit and forgive the man. And I remembered that no one can make anyone else feel anything. He was not responsible for my feelings; I was.
My hurt, shame and embarrassment were down to my own need to heal those wounds. If I could heal the wounds, forgive myself for the choices they had created, and let go of the shame, no one could ever hurt me with this again.
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
— Mahatma Gandhi
In time, I would see that he had given me a gift: a solid look at something in myself that desperately needed healing.
So if I can love him unconditionally and I can forgive him, why walk away?
Because of that little voice inside. The one that said he had crossed a line — again. The one that said, “This time, he’s gone too far.” The one that had noticed other inappropriate comments escalating for a while prior to that, but I had continued to give him the benefit of the doubt because I wanted to help him. The one that said, “This is a much bigger, deeper issue than it seems on the surface, and if I don’t put a stop to it now, I’m just going back for more.”
I had ignored and forgiven many inappropriate comments that he had made in the years I’d known him but I’d always thought he was relatively harmless. Until that day.
That little voice was screaming at me.
So I listened — because if there’s anything I’ve learned in my very challenging life, it is that the little voice never lies.
That little voice knew this man was one of the ones who refuses to help himself. Finally, I saw that despite my best efforts over those years, he had shown no interest in helping himself, in healing, or in improving his life.
He was only interested in wallowing in his miseries, using my kindness to lift his spirits here and there. He drained my energy (or rather, I allowed him to do it by giving it to him) to make himself feel better because he couldn’t be bothered to do it for himself.
And on top of that, he would spew venom at me on occasion.
Well, it took some time but eventually, I remembered a lesson I had learned previously and had managed to forget (more than once):
It is not my purpose on the planet to be anyone’s toxic waste dump. Heaven knows there are plenty of people out there who appreciate my friendship and my help, and I’m happy to give them loads of both.
But I have no interest in wasting any time or energy on someone who refuses to help himself, or to respect me.
I was a bit slow in spotting it, but better late than never.
After the light went on, I realised that the time and energy I used to spend on him would be better spent on someone who would appreciate my efforts.
“The hardest thing in life is to forgive. But hate is self-destructive. If you hate somebody you’re not hurting the person you hate, you’re hurting yourself. Forgiveness is healing.” — Louis Zamperini
The Gifts in This Experience
There are always gifts in even the most painful experiences in life. Granted, this was far from being one of those, although it was definitely upsetting at the time. And its gifts were enormous.
When we choose to look for the blessings in even the darkest times, we can see that the events that hurt us can actually be of benefit to us. They become precious nuggets of wisdom that help us move forward, and that we can use as tools to cope with other challenges we will face in the future.
This little bump in my journey held several wonderful gifts for me:
I was reminded that I can’t help people who won’t help themselves.
I remembered that am not anyone else’s toxic waste dump.
When “that little voice inside” speaks, LISTEN.
I needed to work on healing the shame of my multiple marriages (much easier said than done but it still needed doing).
I remembered that I am the only one who is responsible for my feelings.
My kindness and compassion are to be treasured and respected — by myself, as much as by anyone else.
It is possible — and sometimes necessary — to love unconditionally and walk away.
It is possible — and sometimes necessary — to forgive and walk away.
I don’t owe anyone my happiness; allowing myself to feel hurt meant handing this man my happiness on a platter.
I remembered another previous lesson: “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” — Maya Angelou
The Biggest Takeaways
It is okay to love unconditionally; in fact, this is what we should do in all cases.
It is essential to forgive if we want to be happy.
And when you are being abused, disrespect, and on the receiving end of venomous attacks, it is time to walk away.
Here is the painful story of my multiple marriages: why they happened and how I was finally able to let go of the shame: