So You Think You Can’t Forgive Them. Now What?
Painting by author: “Coming to Forgiveness”
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” — Mahatma Gandhi
I know how right you are to feel hurt. I know you have good reason. I know what they did to you was wrong. Perhaps way beyond “wrong.” Perhaps criminal. Violent. The worst imaginable betrayal.
I know how tempting it is to hang on to your pain. I know you wear it like a badge of honour that says you survived what they did to you. And I know they should pay for it.
I know they deserve your anger, your indignation, your hatred. I know you think you can’t forgive them for what they’ve done. And I know they don’t deserve it.
But you do.
I can promise you that forgiving them isn’t about them. It isn’t about saying what they did was okay.
It’s about you not clinging to the pain anymore. It’s about you deciding you don’t want to hurt anymore and being able to let it go.
Not forgiving them doesn’t punish them. They don’t care. They don’t even accept that there was anything wrong with what they did. They’ve probably moved on with their lives and aren’t even thinking about it — or you.
Not forgiving them won’t elicit an apology or an understanding of the awful thing they did. They aren’t being hurt when you don’t forgive them. But you are.
As long as you cling to your anger and your pain, as long as you cling to feeling violated and furious and wanting them to pay for having hurt you, you will never heal.
If you’re waiting for an apology, you’re putting your happiness in the very hands of those people who have hurt you. You’re chewing on acid and making yourself sick, wishing and praying and hoping and waiting for those words that are unlikely to come.
What if the offenders have moved away? Are long dead? Have no idea that you’re even upset? What if they know you are, but they don’t give a rat’s @$$ and they will never say they’re sorry?
And what if they offer those little words of apology but it’s lip service and they don’t mean them?
Or what if they do? What if they’ve apologised till they’re blue in the face but still, you refuse to let go of your pain, you refuse to forgive, you refuse to allow either of you to move on from this?
It is a festering wound. And it will eat you alive.
Unless and until you choose to forgive those who have caused you any pain, you will continue to suffer every time you think of whatever it was they did.
Imagine this: You pick up the phone and ring them, saying, “Hey, you know that thing you did that hurt me so much? Yeah, that’s the one. Say, listen, would you please do it to me 47 times a day for the rest of my life?”
What’s that? You say you wouldn’t do that?
Well, that’s essentially what you’re doing as long as you choose to hold on to your pain. Every time you remember it, you are willingly allowing yourself to relive it and feel the hurt, anger, rejection, betrayal, or whatever else it was, all over again.
You might just as well pick up a baseball bat and slam yourself in the head with it every single time you remember the offending event.
I’m guessing it’s pretty safe to say you wouldn’t do that. So why on earth would you choose not to forgive?
I suppose it’s because you think forgiving them is the same as saying, “What you did to me is okay.” I suppose you think it means your pain doesn’t matter, or that what they did to you was no big deal.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
“Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” — Nelson Mandela
It doesn’t matter a damn if they ever apologise. It doesn’t matter if they ever accept or acknowledge that they hurt you. It doesn’t matter that you were right, right, right, and they were wrong, wrong, wrong.
All that matters is that as long as you choose to carry that grudge and refuse to forgive, you’re the only one being hurt by it. They aren’t. You are. It’s as simple as that.
If you want peace and healing, if you want to move past this and not let it ruin one more precious moment of your life, you must let it go. You’re not saying your pain didn’t matter. You’re not saying they shouldn’t have to pay.
You’re simply acknowledging that you’ve been the one who’s paying the price and you’re not willing to do it anymore.
Let it go.
You can’t go back. You can’t undo it. You can never make it right and neither can they, not even if they crawled to you on broken glass and begged your forgiveness. It wouldn’t put it right. It wouldn’t change a thing.
The only thing you can change is to stop hurting about it. When those thoughts roll through your mind, take the high road. Acknowledge that the actions were hurtful but they’ve had their say and now you’re reclaiming your life.
The only one who can do that is you.
Let it go.
You’ve been hurting far too long already. It’s time to heal, but you will never be able to do it unless you forgive them.
Let it go.
Put down the bat.
Stop inviting them to hurt you several times a day for the rest of your life.
Choose peace. Choose freedom.
Let. It. Go.
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