Beyond the Potholes: Embracing Detours You Didn't See Coming
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I’m well familiar with things not going as planned. For me, what an understatement. Oh, what’s that, you ask? The six ex-husbands? Uh, yeah. They’d be my first clue. Or first six clues. 🤔
We all have our own version of a “perfect plan,” right? Something we envision as smooth sailing — until, suddenly, we hit a detour. And although they might not look like it at the time, sometimes those detours can turn out to be exactly what we needed. Eventually… 🫣
So…as you can guess, my life has certainly not followed anything remotely resembling the neat, tidy little path — complete with a white picket fence — that I once imagined.
Instead, it’s been a long series of missteps and detours, many of them loaded with land mines and barbed wire hidden in great hopes or big dreams. And although I can’t say that each one was “exactly what I needed” — except maybe all those late-night containers of ice cream — each one has taught me something valuable (like where to find ice cream in bulk).
I’ve experienced many detours and false starts in a lot of areas of life, but just for purposes of this post, I’ll focus on relationships.
I spent too much of my life getting into relationships with the best of intentions and believing love was the answer. I mean, heck, the Beatles even said, “All You Need Is Love.” Turn on any radio station and most of what you’ll hear are songs about falling in love, being in love, or losing that one great love. (And by the way, they don’t tell you about putting up with frantic texting, the late night phone calls, the sobbing, the stalking. Or that you’ll get a restraining order for it.)
Okay. Maybe I didn’t actually go that far. But who can’t relate to that awful crazy feeling? 🤪😵💫😭
Seriously (Sigh. I have such a hard time being serious…), the relationships I was finding were rooted in the toxic beliefs I had about myself. Having grown up with a twisted view of love, it led me to tolerate the intolerable. I settled for scraps of affection, telling myself that whatever I got was enough.
The universe, however, had a way of slamming me in the head again and again. And each lesson was harder than the last. Each relationship seemed so different from the others, but they all ended in the same place — hurt, confusion, and brokenness. They drained me emotionally and financially — even had a dramatically negative impact on my physical health in a couple of cases — but I didn’t see it at the time. I couldn’t see how much I was sacrificing until I had absolutely nothing left to give.
It wasn’t until the last marriage, a short-lived, dark, and horrible relationship that I really didn’t want, that I finally got the message. I’d allowed myself to be so emotionally beaten that I succumbed to emotional blackmail and said, “Yes.” I take responsibility for that. It had happened over a long period, and because of his mental health issues and my natural tendency to want to help those who are suffering, I slid back into that old, unhealthy pattern.
The emotional wreckage and toll on my physical health a couple of years later was terrifying. If I didn’t leave, I would die. I was in a desperately dark place, but the beauty in that was that there was nowhere to go but up.
(You can read about that here)
Once I got out and finally had some distance from him, I was able to think.
I began to heal in ways I never thought possible. I started to see my value. I realized that I had spent decades trying to make bad relationships work, when the only relationship that truly mattered was the one I had with myself. That realization didn’t come easily, and it didn’t happen overnight, but it was the beginning of something beautiful.
With time and a lot of self-reflection (and okay, okay! A lot of ice cream! Jeez, gimme a break!), I could see the pattern. I had given so much of myself to relationships in which I wasn’t honoured or respected in return. But those lessons, as painful as they were, made me stronger. They taught me what I was worth and how to stand up for myself in ways I’d never done before.
I don’t believe “everything happens for a reason.” I think I believe some things do. Which ones, I don’t know. But whether or not those “detours” were mistakes or part of some Divine plan or nothing more than my own incredibly stupid, misguided choices, they became part of my journey, a journey that led me straight to myself.
It would have been nice if it could have been without all the potholes, washed out bridges, and roadkill, though.
Would it have been more pleasant to learn those lessons sooner, and without all the heartache? Of course. But I wouldn’t trade the wisdom and self-awareness I gained through the misery.
And here’s the other really good bit: I don’t need to search for someone else to make me happy. It makes me laugh now, but I shudder at the notion of having a relationship or even dating. Ew. Cringe cringe cringe!
I’m my own best partner, and I’ll be with myself through thick and thin, for the rest of my days. It took a long, hard road to get here, but it’s been worth every step. And I’m having way too much fun by myself. Yay! 🥳
So, if you’re facing a detour right now, don’t panic. It might seem like your life has gone way off-course, but sometimes, those detours give you exactly what you need. Trust that the lessons you’re learning are guiding you to where you’re meant to be.
And hey, even if you find a few potholes or some roadkill along the way, just consider them part of the adventure!
I wish I’d understood this song (below) on its release in 1977. I wish so many things. But that won’t change anything. Sigh.
Well…better late that never, right?