When Someone Emotionally Ambushes You

AI image by author

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and out of the blue, they launch an unexpected attack? There you are, minding your own business, and wham! Apparently, they have an issue with you and rather than approach it respectfully, they explode and cram their misery down your throat without warning. You’re left feeling like you’ve been slammed upside the head with a 2x4.

It’s especially painful when the blow is delivered by someone you trust and have come to love and respect.

I’ve always been shocked when it’s happened — and it’s happened quite a lot, given that I’ve been in various abusive or dysfunctional relationships and was on the receiving end of inappropriate blasts of temper.

You’d think I’d get better at responding to those explosions in the moment and saying exactly what I think of that behaviour.

But nope. I still trust in people being good and kind. I don’t live my life waiting for the next attack or expecting the worst from people.

To my credit, at least I recognise an emotional ambush right away now and I can put an end to the conversation. Apparently, though, the next step was in seeing past my feelings for the person and being able to understand what that kind of ambush really is.

Emotional abuse.

It’s even more sinister when the ambush is deliberately set up by the perpetrator. It’s one thing when you’re having a conversation, a disagreement comes up and you get an unexpected display of anger or frustration. Heck, we’ve all been there. You get talking and suddenly, you’re on an ouchie road and uh-oh. Feelings come up. Sometimes it gets a li’l messy.

That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when you’ve been deliberately set up, manipulated by a seemingly innocent request for a chat just to say hello or something equally sweet, and seconds into the conversation there’s an eruption of childish temper and the real reason for the call — their agenda — becomes clear.

Why would anyone do this?

They do it because in catching you off guard, they have an advantage. Which means they’re deliberately putting you at a disadvantage. Translation: They make you vulnerable. On purpose. They’ve got you where they want you and they attack you in a weak and unprepared moment.

They’ve been chewing on something that’s bothering them. They’ve had time to think or stew or figure out exactly what they want to say. But you don’t get that same opportunity. They know perfectly well that their emotional blast is going to overwhelm you because they’re using the element of surprise. You’re caught like a deer in the headlights, not knowing what to say or how to react because you had no clue that this was coming.

It’s bullying at its worst.

It’s a cowardly tactic, designed to take all your power right out from under you because you weren’t expecting such a terrible violation of your boundaries. And whether it comes from a friend, a sibling, a parent, a romantic partner or anyone else who is close to you, it’s terrible violation of that relationship.

You thought you were safe. You trusted this person to be respectful. You believed this person was kind. You didn’t think you’d need to stand up for yourself or protect yourself in that conversation or visit. But you were wrong.

It’s a terrible betrayal.

That kind of treatment of you is way beyond disrespectful. It’s highly manipulative, controlling, and abusive.

Yes. It is abusive. No matter who is doing it.

And if they tell you they love you, they don’t. Love has nothing to do with abuse. They might need you so much they think it’s love. They might be infatuated with you or impressed by you, or you might be a habit or familiar or comfortable, but there’s no way in hell that is love. And just because you’re related to them, that doesn’t make it “love” either.

The problem is that when you love and trust them, you become vulnerable to these predators. Don’t be fooled. They don’t love you back. I don’t care how sweet and kind they are sometimes, or how often they say “I love you” in between these emotional ambushes in which they hurl blame, insults and basically have a big ol’ childish tantrum. I don’t care what the nature of the relationship is either. This kind of treatment is unacceptable.

Disrespect, manipulation and abuse cannot live in the same place as love. The two cannot go hand-in-hand. A genuine “I love you” cannot come out of the same mouth as words of manipulation, belittling, blaming, or anything else that is hurtful and disrespectful.

There are many reasons why people behave this way — and of course, I have compassion for whatever might have put them there. But they’re still responsible for their actions and it’s never okay to be abusive. I was not put on this planet to be an emotional punching bag for someone else’s unresolved issues. Neither were you.

Last time this happened to me, I recognised the ambush as it was unfolding and I extricated myself from the conversation immediately. But it has taken a while for me to accept the bigger truth of what was happening in those moments. I wish I’d seen how ugly that truth was at that time. Better late than never, right? At least it was a big enough lesson that I’ve finally got it now. If anyone ever treats me like that again, I’ll be calling it abuse and saying goodbye, pronto.

Stay clear of people who are emotionally manipulative and who don’t respect your boundaries.