I Let Go of My Fears About Money and It Flowed Into My Life
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As far back as I can remember, I never gave money a lot of thought. I was too busy trying to survive the abuse of childhood and the fallout it created after I grew up. I was more concerned with avoiding numerous landmines — or cleaning up after them.
I suppose I might have given it more thought if anyone had ever mentioned it when I was a kid. But apart from the essentials of food, shelter, clothing and so on, I was pretty much left to raise myself. No one ever asked about my homework or showed any particular interest in helping me figure out my strengths or what I might want to do with my life after high school.
To be fair, my parents were busy doing battle with their own demons, and I usually got the brunt of it. Both of them had grown up in the Depression and had endured numerous disappointments and hardships. It was the foundation for the toxic and frightening environment in which I grew up.
My mother … well, let’s just say she made no bones about the fact that she never liked me from the day they adopted me. I’d been with my birth mother for a while before I was taken from her and put into foster care. Eventually, I was adopted at around 6 months old. My dad was pretty happy with their new daughter, although when I was a bit older — well, his own demons surfaced. But my mother was abusive in ways no mother should ever even consider.
Throw in a sadistic older brother who enjoyed doling out beatings for which he was never reprimanded or punished and — well, I was just trying to get through each day. The only dreams I had for my future were about getting the hell out of there, which I finally did when I was 16.
It wasn’t long before I quit school and got a job before marrying at 17, having a baby at 18, and being divorced at 19 — with a 10-month-old child to raise. Her father moved hundreds of miles away and I had no clue how to support myself and our child.
Dreams? The only kind I knew about were the frequent, violent nightmares I’d had since I was a kid — ones that Stephen King could have scripted.
The future? I didn’t dare look up from trying to get through the next 10 minutes.
Financial security? If I could do whatever it took to meet the next rent payment and buy the next meal, that’s as good as it got.
I suppose the closest I got to contemplating financial security was the occasional bit of (short-lived) false hope with each of my (too many) marriages. But with just as many divorces, I always ended up crossing my fingers and trusting that somehow, I’d figure out the money to support myself and my kids.
Too many marriages? How many is THAT??
Yeah. Well. There’s a story there. And it’s six, in case you’re wondering. Although to be fair, I only wanted to go through with one of those weddings. The others came with a load of baggage related to ridiculous beliefs my mother had crammed down my throat when I was a kid. I was responsible for other people’s happiness. I wasn’t allowed to disappoint anyone — especially not if it was because of something I wanted. So the notion of backing out of a wedding because it felt wrong, wrong, wrong was utterly unthinkable.
I had no value. My own needs and feelings were worthless. I was worthless.
During my divorces, my mother was always quick to be sure I wouldn’t take any alimony or marital assets to which I was legally entitled. She drummed it into my head that I had no right to one penny of the money that these men earned. It was theirs. All I had done was take care of the house and children.
My contributions to the home and the raising of our children had no value. My contributions to making it possible for these men to keep their jobs and get promotions, bonuses, and pensions had no value. I had no value.
Significant note to self: Money + me = an impossible, unimaginable, don’t-even-think-about-it combination.
When my brother was in his late teens, my parents started a business for him. They sank a load of money and assets into it — repeatedly over the years — as he loved new vehicles and gadgets and his addictions. He was always running out of money. They bought his excuses, thinking he could do no wrong. And they’d sign over even more money to him.
Eventually, he ran the business into the ground. They blamed the economy.
When I was a single mum with just two kids at the time, holding down a full-time self-employed job in court transcription, my mother shocked me with an incredible offer. A new housing development required $5,000 for a down payment on a home (those were the days…) and she would give me the money for it. “Give,” she emphasized, adding, “Your brother has had plenty of money from us and you never ask for anything so it’s more than fair, as it’s nowhere near as much as he’s had.”
She told me to go and choose a house and she’d sort out the down payment. I was over the moon! It was the first time I’d ever felt like her daughter.
The next day, I did as she asked. I couldn’t wait to tell her how excited I was to have found a lovely house on a quiet cul-de-sac with a big backyard for my little girls.
She went quiet. And then, “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think I can count on you to pay it back.”
Pay it back? What happened to “give”?
I don’t deserve money. I am “worth less” than my brother. Right. I am worthless.
After the sixth divorce, once again I was making a fresh start and having to figure out a sustainable income. My children were all grown. Apart from child support where it had been appropriate in the early marriages, I’d walked away from every marriage with nothing but a nervous hope for the best. Aside from occasional self-employment in alternative healing, readings, selling art, etc., I had no traditionally marketable skills or experience for jobs that would pay a decent salary. The only safety net I had was a bit of savings and a lot of credit. The clock was ticking.
My mother was dead but I heard her voice, loud and crystal clear.
No one will hire you. You’re not worth paying. You don’t deserve a good life.
She was right. No one hired me. My age didn’t help, along with my lack of formal experience. And my savings account was dwindling.
Fear crept in, gradually smothering hope and insisting it knew better.
What if I go bankrupt? What if I end up homeless?
I was getting nowhere with my job search. I turned to the internet to make a business out of my natural abilities combined with the various self-employed activities I’d done over the years. I worked insane hours trying to make something stick. For years.
But there she was again. Every day.
No one wants what you’re offering. No one will pay for your services. You don’t deserve to be successful or have a great life.
Occasionally, I’d gain a little traction, yet somehow it amplified the desperation. Must be a fluke. No one wants what I’m offering. I’ll never be one of those successful people. I don’t deserve that. Money is not for me.
These beliefs were quietly but constantly running in the background like the operating system on a computer. When there was too long a lull in bookings, I’d want to give up.
See? She was right. No one wants what I’m offering. I’m a failure.
What if I go bankrupt? What if I end up homeless?
I had watched The Secret a few years earlier and learned about the Law of Attraction (LoA). Each of us is a big magnet, continually emitting a powerful vibrational frequency. The Universe responds in kind. The LoA is always working, whether you’re thinking about it or not. More importantly, it responds to your feelings. The more intense the feelings, the more likely you are to attract whatever is on your mind.
Dutifully, I created a vision board and stared at it frequently, my desperation growing by the second. I was supposed to be imagining the joy and gratitude of already having the money, success and other great things on that vision board. I said all the right words but that bloody insidious, growing fear gripped my heart with its icy cold claws.
A friend’s husband hired me for full-time office help. A win! Five days before starting, I tripped on a stairway, got a massive concussion and the doc wouldn’t let me take the job.
The Universe hates me. I don’t deserve to be successful.
What if I go bankrupt? What if I end up homeless?
The savings were long gone. I was well into that hefty line of credit, despite my hard work to create a sustainable business. Despite my Pollyanna attitude, I couldn’t shift my angst about money. To make matters worse, I knew that if there was any truth to the Law of Attraction, I was likely to attract what I feared. But how could I stop the fear of being homeless when there was no one to bail me out, and no one to take me in?
The possibility of bankruptcy grew steadily, as did my mounting debt. I would lie awake at night in a cold sweat, my stomach in knots. In bankruptcy, I would have no credit. My income was sporadic and minimal. How would I pay my rent or buy food?
I found three books around that time that would ultimately be life-changing. Think and Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill; The Science of Getting Rich, by Wallace D. Wattles; and The Richest Man in Babylon, by George S. Clason, a collection of parables set in Ancient Babylon and an absolutely brilliant — albeit short — read. (BUY IT!!!)
One of its most powerful messages was that “money doesn’t come to an empty purse.” I’d heard plenty throughout my life about how you must must must save, no matter what, but how do you do that when you have more outgo than income?
Among other things, this book showed me that saving was essential. I began setting aside at least 10% of every dollar that came in, no matter what.
The Tide Turns: A Profound Shift Occurs
After years of fighting — fearing — dreading it, one night I couldn’t take it anymore. Sick with fear, I surrendered to bankruptcy. Seconds after making that decision, a warm rush of relief washed over me. The fear could go. The knots in my stomach could go. I felt like anything was possible. I’d figure it out. I set the bankruptcy in motion the next day.
With that fear gone, everything shifted. Clearly, the Universe had a plan. A few things happened in quick succession, beginning with landing a 5-figure ghostwriting contract that would keep me going for a year.
I’d heard plenty about how you should say you “love money.” I couldn’t. It sounded greedy and horrible. One night at my altar, I had a profound awareness that would massively shift my relationship with money. I realised that I appreciate it, a drastically different energy than loving it.
A light went on. I knew that “Money is energy” but hadn’t given it much thought. In that moment, it grabbed me by the throat and made me take notice.
Money is merely a symbol that completes an exchange of energy. Imagine taking food out of your fridge, one item at a time, until it’s empty. It’ll stay that way until you fill it up. There has to be a continuous loop of giving and receiving. It’s the same with energy. And that includes money.
I thought about all the times I’d given away healing treatments, hypnosis, readings, my paintings, my books, and various other services or assistance. Or the times I didn’t have much money myself but shared it with others who had less. All of that could be seen as expenditures of my energy, which had been stashed in my very own “savings account” in a cosmic bank.
Hm. Maybe I deserve good things.
I visualised that energy coming back to me in the form of money, and I was overcome with a deep appreciation for it, for all it can do to keep me safe, fed and healthy. Suddenly, Money felt like the best friend I could have. I could see it in my mind’s eye, an energetic Being standing there in front of me, a bit like a friendly stranger. A stranger I knew wanted to take care of me, nurture me, and make sure I had everything I needed.
I deserve to be safe, fed and healthy.
Instantly, my thoughts about Money changed. I thought of the countless times I’d seen it as the source of my troubles. I’d said, “I hate Money,” or “Money causes too many problems.” If I spoke that way about my friends, they wouldn’t stick around. Why should Money be any different?
From that moment on, I swore I’d treat it and speak about it like a good friend. I had a rather tearful conversation with Money, apologising for having rejected it and pushed it away due to my own lack of self-worth. I said I appreciated all it wanted to do for me, and I took my first steps toward building a positive relationship with my new best friend.
Thank you for taking such good care of me.
As I whispered these words in the soft candlelight, I realised that my relationship with Money was mirroring the one I had with myself. I had pushed Money away consciously, subconsciously, and energetically because I believed I had no value. I didn’t deserve anything good. I was terrible at accepting help when offered and even worse at asking for it. I was happy to give but was monumentally uncomfortable with receiving.
If I continually sent out a vibrational frequency of “No, thank you, I don’t like receiving,” how could I expect the Universe to give me anything I said I needed? That’s like placing an order and cancelling it before it’s filled. Repeatedly. I could just see the Universe sighing heavily, rolling its eyes, putting down the pencil and pad and saying, “Okay, Hun, lemme know when you’ve decided. I’ll be over there giving stuff to people who want it.”
Ever notice how great a room feels after a major clear-out? It’s because every object holds energy. When nothing moves for ages, the energy feels heavy and stagnant. Well, money is energy; it needs to move. Instead of clinging to my pennies and worrying about every expenditure, I began to relax a little — within reason — and bought the odd little extra “something.” And I re-started small monthly contributions to a few favourite charities.
Rather than griping every time I made a purchase or paid a bill, I focused on my gratitude for being able to do so, thanking my dear friend, Money, for going out into the world and being a blessing to others, and for coming back to me soon — and bringing lots of its friends.
I didn’t miss the 10% I’d been stashing in savings. Instead, I delighted in watching that account grow. I had shifted my vibration. I was telling the Universe I had money to spend and to save. It responded by making sure I did — and years later, it still does.
This reflected the positive relationship I’d developed with my Self.
I deserve a good life.
I began spending some of my morning meditation time with my new bestie, Money. It might sound ridiculous but I swear, this was responsible for one of the most profound and powerful shifts in my financial life.
I closed my eyes, sensing that loving, helpful Being in front of me. I contemplated all it wanted to do for me. More often than not, I was in tears as I felt deep gratitude for the many ways in which Money wanted to take care of me. It wanted to be sure I was healthy and had all I needed so I could go out into the world and do what my soul came here to do.
Money began showing up in the strangest ways. It didn’t have to be a lot to excite me; it was confirmation that the shifts I had made were working.
Every single time money came in, I took a moment to connect with that Being, that energy — Money — and I offered my heartfelt “Thank you!” I continued to put away at least 10%, no matter how small the amount or how much I thought I “needed” all of it. I never missed it.
Over the months and years, I delighted in watching a hefty savings account grow, and it did so much more quickly than I’d have ever imagined. It ended up being enough for me to move across the planet, set up a new life and still have plenty left. And once I was settled, it continued to grow again.
I can’t even tell you how deeply I appreciate feeling like the Universe is smiling on me and throwing money at me. It shows up in the most unexpected ways because I changed my relationship with it — which included changing my relationship with myself.
Now, Money flows to me easily and in ways I don’t expect. I delight in those special surprises from the Universe and offer my deep appreciation.
Am I rolling in Money? Am I a billionaire? Not by any means. But I have far more than I need, an ever-growing reserve, and more than enough to enjoy a good and comfortable life.
And you know what? I deserve it. And so do you.
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