When People Disappoint You. Again.
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“When you have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.” — Ryan Reynolds
When People Let Us Down
Ahhh, who hasn’t been there? Who hasn’t felt the sting of rejection or of not getting the desired response from someone who matters? I’m sure all of us have beaten ourselves up more than once when we keep hoping someone will react a different way this time — but they never do.
Well … I have a couple of ideas to share and I hope they’ll be helpful.
First, as I like to say, expectation is the mother of disappointment. In any and all things, not just relationships. As soon as we expect and rely on a particular result, and one over which we have zero control, we set ourselves up to be disappointed.
I think a little expectation in the “being positive” way is a good thing. Or even simply hoping for the best. But it’s a whole other ball of wax to expect specific outcomes to such a degree that we struggle with hearing a different result.
If you’re going to expect a particular result, it’s important to also be prepared to accept another outcome.
But what’s even more important — and particularly in relationships — is what we can do to navigate those interactions with others that leave us feeling hurt and disappointed. Especially if we know what those people are like, and we see behaviour that we’ve seen countless times before, and it always ends the same way. We feel miserable and let down. We beat ourselves up and wonder, “What the heck is wrong with me for having dared try again, when I knew how this was going to go?
In my experience dealing with way too many ex-husbands and a couple of exceptionally difficult children (think “movie of the week” parenting nightmares), one of the most important truths I learned is that when we feel upset by the behaviour of another, it’s most helpful to consider what we can change about ourselves so we don’t feel like that again. Especially if it’s about repeated behaviour from others and we know we’re going to run into it again. And again. And again.
Is there a point to allowing yourself to get upset about it every time that person behaves that way? Um … I don’t think so.
The first step in dealing with people like this is to recognise that that’s who they are. They’re unlikely to change, no matter what you say or do, no matter how much you think they should change. It just ain’t gonna happen.
You have absolutely zero control over them. You have absolutely zero ability to change them.
The only person you can change is yourself. If you don’t like how it feels to be hurt and feel rejected and angry, stop wishing those people were different. Stop wishing they would understand how much they’re upsetting you. They probably don’t even know — or even if they do, they don’t give a rat’s @$$.
Stop putting your happiness in their hands by waiting for them to change so you can feel better.
Instead, change how you respond to them. Know that they will continue to be the way they are, no matter what you do or don’t do, no matter how upset you are or aren’t, so you might as well do yourself a favour and choose inner peace. Accept them, warts and all. You knew they were gonna be pinheads again, so why are you acting like it’s a big surprise? Why did you expect — or even hope for — anything different this time?
And no, it’s not because you’re stupid. It’s not because you’re an idiot. It just means you’re hopeful and optimistic and there’s nothing wrong with either of those traits.
So stop with the negative self-talk. It’ll only make you feel worse.
Let go of that expectation. Let go of that hope. Choose to let go of feeling upset. And recognise that there is nothing — nothing — you can do to change those people.
Some of the Best Teachers
I believe these people are put in our paths as teachers. They give us the opportunity to stretch and to learn more about ourselves.
For example, with the behaviour that drive you nuts, look at what it brings up in you. What are the feelings and issues that arise? Do you feel rejected? Unloved? Hurt? Angry? Abandoned? Belittled? Criticised?
Where do those feelings come from? What needs a closer look?
What do you need to heal?
My mother could be unbearably cruel, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why it took a few decades for me to figure out that I would never get it right with her. She would never be pleased. I would always be “wrong.” And with one interaction after another, I felt like everything that annoyed her was my fault.
I had to come to terms with the fact that her treatment of me had absolutely nothing to do with me. It was her stuff, not mine. There was nothing “wrong” with me. Her own insecurities were driving her behaviour. But it would be many years before I understood this.
When dealing with people who leave you feeling upset, it’s important to realise that what you’re witnessing is not about you. That hurtful behaviour is all about their emotional wounds playing out, right in front of you.
It can be helpful to look past that behaviour and see the perfect and divine spirit that’s buried under all that pain.
Understand that we’re all flawed in our own ways. They’re doing the best they can in this moment with the tools they have at this time. They have their own paths to walk, their own lessons to learn — and they might not ever choose to learn them.
Eyes on your own paper.
The sooner you stop wishing and hoping they would be different and you start accepting them for who they are, the quicker you’ll find inner peace. And to further assist you in your personal journey, take some time to contemplate the issues that arise when you feel yourself becoming irritated or hurt. Heal what needs healing in yourself, and leave them to their own journeys. There’s not a thing you can do about them anyway.
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