This Is Why You Make Excuses, and How To Stop
Photo courtesy of FlavioGaudencio from Pixabay
“Excuses are lies wrapped up in reasons.”
— Howard Wright
“My dog ate my homework.”
“I’d love to help out but I have to go to this Thing…”
“I wish I could but I’ve got a prior commitment.”
“I’ve been meaning to do that but I’ve just been so busy.”
And the least imaginative of all, “I can’t. I have to wash my hair.”
The list goes on and on. We can all be really good at making excuses when it suits us. But what exactly does that mean? Why would it “suit us” to make excuses?
That’s easy. We’re afraid of something.
“Oh, no,” you might be thinking. “Not every excuse is about fear!”
Oh, yes. It is. Every single one of them will be about a fear of something.
“But wait!” you say. “What if it’s just that someone wants me to do something I don’t want to do? It’s not that I’m afraid to do it. I just don’t have any interest.”
Ah. My favourite fear-based excuses of all.
If you don’t have any interest, why don’t you say that instead of inventing an excuse?
It’s because you’re afraid you’ll offend them, or they might not like you, or they’ll be angry or insulted. You don’t dare say simply, “No, thanks for thinking of me but it’s not for me.”
“Your excuses are just the lies your fears have sold you.”
— Robin Sharma
There are the excuses we make when we’re dating but discover behaviours or attitudes we don’t like in the people we’ve been seeing, and we decide we don’t want to see them anymore. They suggest getting together and we avoid their phone calls, or tell them repeatedly, “I can’t, I’m busy that night” until they finally figure it out and quit asking.
Or we might go so far as to tell them as gently as possible that “…it’s not working out.” But when they ask what we mean, we say “It’s not you…it’s me” when we know perfectly well that’s not at all how we really feel. But we are afraid to be honest, afraid to hurt their feelings, afraid to stand up for ourselves. Or whatever.
Then there are the Mothers of all Excuses. The ones we tell ourselves about why we can’t do something that benefits us. Why we can’t pursue our goals. Why we don’t take chances. Why we let opportunities slide past us. Or why we walk away from our dreams.
We tell ourselves we’ve been too busy lately or it would cost too much or it would upset someone if we got this or achieved that. We’re loaded with excuses that we sugar coat as “reasons” so we can cram them down our own throats, foolishly thinking that others can’t see the truth about our cowardice.
The worst of it is that most of what we fear won’t happen anyway. And it’s usually based on self-destructive and inaccurate beliefs such as “I’m a failure; I’ll fail at this, too.” Or “Nothing good ever happens to me.” Or “I know it won’t work out so I’ll save myself the disappointment.”
Excuses are always dishonest. They’re a feeble attempt to hide — or at least ignore — the truth. And the truth is always about fear.
When we make decisions based on fear, there will never be a good outcome. It restricts growth and learning. We stay stuck in the same place, thinking the same thoughts, having the same experiences, fearing the same things as we’ve always done.
We cannot move ahead if we don’t take risks, be honest, face the truth about who we are, how we feel, what we want and need for our lives.
And that is a terrible waste.
Making decisions based on fear also means making poor choices. It’s the quickest way to be derailed from that path to happiness and fulfillment.
How do you stop doing this?
The next time you’re about to offer up an excuse to anyone for anything — including and especially if it’s to yourself:
Stop and think about what it is that’s keeping you from speaking the truth.
Determine why you’re doing your level best to shoot yourself in the foot.
Examine the fear that has twisted itself into an attempted justification for the excuse you are about to make.
It is only when you face that fear and address it that you will be able to continue on the journey toward being all you’re meant to be.
Spiritual Arts Mentor and Master Teacher, Liberty Forrest, guides you in discovering who you are, why you’re here, and how to follow that path.
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