Why a Victim Mindset Is More Powerful Than You Know

Photo courtesy of Christel SAGNIEZ from Pixabay

How a “poor me” attitude reveals a wolf in sheep’s clothing

“The victim mindset will have you dancing with the devil, then complaining that you’re in hell.” — Steve Maraboli

Before I dive into this topic, let me be clear: I am not talking about people who have had something terrible happen to them and are recovering.

Nor am I talking about people who have fallen on hard times, perhaps a collection of challenging circumstances have got on top of them and they need a hand up.

So no, I’m not talking about the people who can help themselves and are making an effort to do so.

I am talking about those people who cling to their hard luck stories, who deliberately immerse themselves in their tragedy or difficulties and are quite content to stay there. The ones who thrive on behaving as though they cannot function for themselves. 

I’m talking about the ones who won’t help themselves and have zero interest in it. Why do anything for yourself when you can get others to do it for you?

“Victims declare, ‘The world is responsible for me,’ and never do anything to better their quality of life.” — Henry Cloud

When we see the word, “victim,” we tend to think of someone who is fragile, weak, and helpless — or some version of this. However, when talking about those people who refuse to help themselves, they are anything but.

Those are the people to whom I am referring in using the word “victim” for the rest of this article. What it really means in this case is people with a victim mentality or mindset. 

Although it appears as though they are powerless, they’re actually the ones in control (as long as we allow it but that’s a separate piece of this issue. For now, I need to stick to this one). 

By refusing to help themselves and appearing to be weak, helpless, needy, etc., they keep everyone around them turning themselves inside out trying to help them.

They demand attention, often in a passive aggressive way. By refusing to change and by doing “poor me,” they create all sorts of drama and problems for those around them.

They don’t let relationships grow. They keep others on a string, playing their victim game and screaming, “How dare you leave me when I’m suffering?” if anyone clues in and tries to get away from them.

They’re highly manipulative and controlling, calling all the shots while appearing to be helpless. They delight in having others jump through hoops for them.

They have all the control. They don’t have to change; they’ve convinced everyone that they “can’t,” or that they’re simply “unable” to do it for whatever reasons (read: “excuses”). They thrive on pity and sympathy, loving the twisted attention their helplessness brings. They adore making people do their bidding and taking advantage of compassionate, selfless souls who “just want to help.”

So no, they will never change; there’s nothing in it for them. They prefer to let others do for them, give to them, help and support them. They use guilt to force others to change or bend for them in whatever ways suit them. 

They’re in control and they know it. Why would they give up all that power?

This is why they won’t give up that mentality. They have all the control. If they give it up, they lose the ability to make everyone around them yell, “How high do you want me to jump?”

They are definitely the ones in the driver’s seat, until those around them get fed up, take back their power and control in their own lives, and stop allowing themselves to be manipulated by the victim.

“As I’d seen over and again, people who see themselves as victims sometimes don’t notice when they become oppressors.”- Souad Mekhennet

The Takeaway

If you only remember one thing about the nature of any relationship for the rest of your life, remember this:

People only have as much control over you as you give them.

Say “No.” Be assertive. Stand up for yourself. Learn what is your responsibility and what is theirs — and honour it. That’s what it means to have good boundaries.

Remember that old saying about how “God helps those who help themselves.” Yup. Help those people. 

When it comes to helping others who are in need, the first step is to identify whether they can’t or won’t help themselves. As soon as it is evident that they won’t, head for the hills just as fast as your legs can carry you.

Do not pass “Go.” Do not collect $200. Run like hell.

Spiritual Arts Mentor and Master Teacher, Liberty Forrest, guides you in discovering who you are, why you’re here, and how to follow that path.

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