How To Permanently Damage a Child in One Simple Sentence

Photo courtsey of Myriams-Fotos from Pixabay

“They say that abandonment is a wound that never heals. I say only that an abandoned child never forgets.”

– Mario Balotelli

I used to see it fairly often, back in the days when I had occasion to be out and around in shops frequently, raising a bunch of children and having lots of errands to run. I saw it, too, when women friends would come round with their little ones. 

And I still see it, although less frequently as I don’t have a lot of reason to be in situations where it occurs.

I’m talking about those moments when you’re in a shop and a child is busy looking at something, probably a little toy, and Mummy is ready to leave.

“C’mon, Jonathan. It’s time to go.”

Jonathan keeps playing with the toy.

“Jonathan, let’s go.”

He continues to ignore his mummy.

“Jonathan, I’m in a hurry.” The tone is stern now. “Come on, put that toy back and let’s go!”

Jonathan might whine at her or maybe he continues to ignore her but he does not put the toy back and does not make a move toward leaving.

Impatiently, Mummy says, “Fine, then, I’m leaving without you,” and turns toward the door.

Little Jonathan is petrified! Dropping the toy, he runs to his mummy screaming, “NO!! MUMMY, DON’T LEAVE ME!!!!”

Clinging to her leg, he sobs all the way to the car…

This is, unfortunately, a common event amongst too many mummies and children. I’ve seen children not want to leave my home. Their mummies threaten to leave them with me forever and make a move toward the door, and as much as the little ones might have enjoyed being in my home, they panicked every time Mummy threatened abandonment. 

It’s everywhere. And it’s a dreadful thing to say to a child.

“Being abandoned or given up is the most devastating emotion we can cause in another human being.”

– Gary David Currie

There’s a reason why the offspring of many species bond with their parents. They need that bond for their survival. And so it is with people. Children need to bond with parents to feel safe, to be able to develop emotionally and to be well physically. There is something called “failure to thrive,” which can happen to babies and young children when there is a nurturing issue. They don’t eat or gain weight. They become sickly, and sometimes even die.

When that bond is threatened or broken, it creates a deep sense of abandonment in children. They become insecure; the world is no longer a safe place and suddenly, anxieties and fears spring up, seemingly out of nowhere. On a deep level, they fear what will happen to them if their parents leave them. Where will they live? What will they eat? What bad things will happen to them? Who will take care of them?

It is terrifying.

It’s bad enough that we read frightening stories to our children — stories like Hansel and Gretel, about a greedy stepmother insisting that the father should take his children deep into the woods at night so they’re lost and can never come home. The story goes from bad to worse when they end up with a wicked old witch who wants to eat Hansel — but fortunately, they escape just in the nick of time.

There’s Snow White, whose jealous stepmother sends a hunter out to remove the girl’s heart. When that fails, she poisons the young woman.

There’s Rapunzel locked away in a castle; there’s the promise of giving up a firstborn in Rumpelstiltskin. Story after story, we tell our children stories of abandonment by parents in one way or another.

And we wonder why they have nightmares. We shouldn’t tell them these stories at all, much less at bedtime.

We wonder why they develop into anxious, nervous teens or young adults. We wonder why we, ourselves, have felt insecure on some level for as long as we can remember.

Those bedtime stories only feed what many children are hearing out of the mouths of their own parents. “I will leave you.” “Go away.” “I’m sick of looking at you, get lost.” “I wish you’d never been born.” “You were an accident.” “I never wanted you.”

Whether or not these things are said in jest, or in an impatient moment of frustration, children take such comments to heart. Threaten a child’s safety and place in the family, and you set that little person up for a life of insecurity and feelings of abandonment.

This can (and often does) cause all kinds of unhealthy and self-destructive behaviours, especially in relationships. Control issues, needing to please, being fearful to speak one’s own mind, promiscuity, jealousy, eating disorders, substance abuse, selfishness, feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, becoming needy or clingy, being dependent — the list goes on and on.

Even if everything else in a child’s life is loving and predictable and safe, with just one threat to “leave you here forever!” you can do some serious damage to a fragile little soul that depends on you for its very survival.

Be careful what you say to children. They take things literally and they’re extremely trusting. They do not always understand a joke. Nor do they know you don’t really mean that you’ll “leave them there forever,” especially when you’re saying it like you mean it, in an effort to get them to do what you want.

After all, you want them to believe you. And they do.

Spiritual Arts Mentor and Master Teacher, Liberty Forrest, guides you in discovering who you are, why you’re here, and how to follow that path.

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